Divorce: Where to Begin to Avoid Financial Pitfalls

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Four years ago today, I embarked on a journey toward my independence without a roadmap or a clue how life would look on the other side. I partnered at the age of 18 and moved in two weeks after my 19th birthday. I would stay until it was clear I had outgrown the unspoken contract I signed up for 17 years earlier.

Divorce was not my intent. I honestly could not even say the word for at least a month after I filed. Initially, separation was my ask. I quickly learned that I would have benefitted from not saying either word—separation or divorce—aloud until I had a clear exit strategy with retained legal counsel. I learned quite a few other things in my experience of filing for a divorce that I will share here to hopefully spare smart women from making common mistakes. 

First, consider legal counsel as insurance and not an immediate scorched earth approach. Treat the partnership with your divorce attorney as you would one with a therapist. It is someone who has seen many scenarios play out over time. It is beneficial to have professional insights whether or not you believe the end of your marriage will be amicable or not. Because the truth is that you will not be clear about the character of the person you married until you attempt to leave them. 

Once my divorce was finalized, a wise older woman in my community told me: “If you want to know the person you married, divorce them and find out.”

Most importantly—if you decide to read nothing else—if you are a woman leaving a man, HIRE A WOMAN ATTORNEY. I didn’t, and here’s the deal. If you’re leaving someone you were convinced was your life partner and it turns out they are not that for you, your picker is likely off. Your male attorney may approach your relationship as though you are his partner deciding to leave him. There is a possibility that if you choose a male attorney, your experience may be similar to Charlotte’s on Sex in the City, Season 5, Episode 6. Charlotte’s attorney did nothing of note to advocate on her behalf. But thankfully Charlotte learned in the end that she married a giver who granted her the one thing she asked for—a place to live.

It doesn’t always turn out that way. Did you know that funds can legally be transferred or cleared out of accounts before retaining legal counsel? If you share passwords for financial accounts—which I highly do not recommend, beyond one shared checking account dedicated to paying shared bills—legally, money can be transferred from or cleared out of shared accounts. The act is considered mutually consented. Search the phrase “divorce clearing out accounts” for more information. 

This is important data to keep in mind in the case you receive a life insurance payout. Say for instance one of your parents dies. If your partner believes they are entitled to these funds for any reason and convinces you to transfer the funds into a shared account, it becomes community money. Your soon to be former partner can quickly purchase large ticket items like a car—or anything really—with the commingled funds, again, before you retain legal representation.

What is not considered as community money is travel points. If travel planning is your marital responsibility and you share credit cards, associated with points, that are primarily in your name, I recommend immediately removing your partner from those cards. Once this is done, you are legally allowed to exclusively retain the points. 

It would also be wise to remove yourself as an authorized user from shared credit cards. This is not as simple if you are joint account holders. In that case, closing accounts is likely best; however, this is another area that would benefit from legal counsel to remove yourself in a way that does not lead to lasting damages.

If your divorce is not amicable, untangling finances can be an extremely emotional and unsettling experience. Most of the women I know who have taken the action to leave their partners, decide to leave with zero assets—independently or in mediation—guided by the north star mantra: This is the cost of freedom. 

While on the topic of finances, I’ve consolidated some surprises I experienced and some experienced by friends who decided to pursue their own independence. 

In hindsight, I have realized that often—not always—someone may seek a partner to be one or more of four things: a nurse or a purse; a (sole) cheerleader or a breeder.

To explore if you were unknowingly chosen for your ability to be a purse, I recommend checking a few things:

  • Life insurance policies. Is the amount of your policy multiple times larger than theirs? Take for example that your policy pays your partner $200,000 upon your death and theirs is set up to pay you $50,000 if they unexpectedly die. 

  • Taxes. Have you withheld the max amount for the length of your partnership and your partner has withheld the least amount?

  • Business incorporation documents. Have you been paying annual taxes for a business you were never listed as a partner?

  • Mortgage Title. Are you listed as an owner for your primary or investment properties or have you trusted you were included on the documents only to learn assets were only listed in your partner’s name? 

It may also be beneficial to hire a forensic accountant. Where there is smoke, there is likely fire in terms of financial indiscretion. Hiring a forensic accountant may identify secret accounts your partner might have kept during your marriage. Something like this can be easily missed if your partner opted for paperless updates or if there was a secret post office box.

This may be overwhelming. Hopefully you don’t have to deal with any of it, but it is prudent to be prepared.

Learning to Father Myself

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In my 18 years working with therapists, I have prioritized healing from my maternal relationship. At the start of quarantine, I felt I had the progress and bandwidth—mental and emotional—to focus on healing my relationship with my father. Once I made this decision, the keys presented themselves to unlock my daddy issues, putting them in my mental dashboard so I could see them and address them.

bio-father.jpg

My Paternal Blueprint

The first key revealed itself in conversation with my therapist. For years, I believed there was nothing to heal there because my father was never present enough to register for me as something that affected my life. I met him in person only once when I was 5 or 6. We went fishing with my paternal grandfather. I spoke with him again at 15 in one call where I, unknowingly at the time, was introduced to negging. And we had a handful of conversations when I was 23.

Negging (derived from the verb neg, meaning “negative feedback”) is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need for the manipulator’s approval.

Without knowing him personally, somehow, he still became the blueprint for what I would magnetize and where I would feel most familiar. This was an enlightening connection.

Blueprint Importance

I shared with a guy friend of mine, of 18 years, that I was working on healing my daddy issues so the pain would no longer direct my life’s operating system. His father was also wounded, so I knew I was safe in sharing this personal project with him. 

He was genuinely delighted to hear it and offered a personal story. He shared that he sat next to a guy on a flight who struck up a conversation with him. My friend, a very present and loving father, mentioned his daughter to the man. The guy affirmed the importance of a father in a girl’s life. He added that he asks early in conversation with a young lady or woman about her relationship with her father, and added that if the relationship is rocky or nonexistent, he moves forward because, in his words, with low self-esteem, they’re easy prey.

Yikes on bikes, right?! 😳

A New Draft

In recent years, I became quite clear of the attributes of a father and man I did not feel I deserved. Come through clarity and newly-formed self-esteem! 💁🏽‍♀️✨

But until I became clear on what I did want for a father, I was never going to accomplish what friendships and EMDR helped me accomplish in reframing my view of what an ideal mother looks like. I needed some help to reprogram my embedded belief of what an ideal father and man looks and feels like. 

Crowdsourcing Characteristics

I started brainstorming with friends on where to begin. Interestingly, I learned I was in alignment with a couple of women on a similar journey to breaking the paternal pattern that has shaped their views about themselves as well as the trajectory of their personal and professional relationships with men.

After much discussion, we came up with the following characteristics we imagined our ideal fathers would possess:

  1. He has respect for himself.

  2. He models protection and security.

  3. He is generous with adoration and compliments.

Identifying Model Men

The list is helpful, but simply stating something has no legs without a model. So I opened my eyes and ears for examples that would help me believe the list is realistic.

I combed my brain very slowly and thoroughly to see if I could identify existing examples of a good father or the makings of a man who modeled the three characteristics in his exchanges with me. This was a new exercise, so it took a minute. 

Dr. A: My former chiropractor came to mind. I learned so much about my body from his work and the education he offered. He also took notes when I shared health findings and tried out at least one supplement I recommended. It was always a safe and supportive collaborative effort when I scheduled a visit. The most meaningful memory I have is his response to my negative self-talk. Anytime I said something disparaging about my body, he would walk out of the room. He returned and said he would not stand for it or with me if I talked badly about myself. This helped me to be more gentle with myself. He and his partner have one child he loves so dearly. 

Dr. B: A decade ago, I was fortunate to get to know one of the kindest and humble men thanks to my past life as a social butterfly. Overall, he’s a private guy but he has been open with me about his life and family, modeling safety for me to open up about my family dynamics. I moved in the first week of the pandemic. Intuitively, he emailed me the day I relocated to his neighborhood, inviting me out for a safe-distanced walk where he not only introduced me to my new neighborhood but he also introduced me to my neighbors. He and his partner don’t have children but they care deeply for so many people in their lives, including me.

Dr. C: I was surprised to identify a mentor of mine of 12 years. When his name came to mind, I checked emails I have saved from him over the years. He starts almost each message by celebrating me and telling me how proud he is of me. He never gets into the weeds of life during my major transitions. What he does is he asks impactful questions that lead to a paradigm shift. My answers lead to either more questions or the smallest smile, a nod, and the introduction of a new topic. Over the years, he has armed me with advice that has shaped my life in meaningful ways, allowing me to pay it forward when sharing his counsel. He is a wonderful father of two young men and a committed husband. 

J: My closest friend’s husband of 20 years has also been a standout guy. He has given me great advice when identifying green light traits as well as bright red flags when it comes to dating. The best advice he has shared—when I was at their house, probably when I was talking about The Gift of Fear or Entitled—was that predators pursue people who won’t be missed. What a safety tip of a lifetime and a signal from a safe man to a female human to take up more space and to live out loud! He is a loving father to the sweetest and smartest little girl. 

Next, I went to the internets for examples. 

Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen: Both men connected to create a podcast titled Renegades - Born in the USA. I was introduced to this podcast by a dear guy friend I met during the Texas Winter Storm Uri earlier this year. He introduced me to the podcast—specifically two episodes on fatherhood. The first is titled Relationships with Our Father’s and Masculinity. The next titled Fatherhood, where they talk about their experiences as fathers. It is a wonderful podcast.

Rob Kenney: The YouTube channel “Dad, How do I?” is a wonderful resource developed for people without fathers, developed by father of two Rob Kenney. Personally, I grew up with zero life skills. ha! I entered adulthood with no idea how to change a tire, cook a meal, or protect myself. Rob’s father left his family when he was 14, and in adulthood he decided to create a channel for individuals to learn what children with active fathers are taught. 

DJ D Nice: Similar to the synchronistic timing of Dr. B emailing me on the day I relocated, my closest friend contacted me in every way but a carrier pigeon 😅on the day of my move to make sure I joined an Instagram Live party hosted by and featuring DJ D Nice. She texted, called, invited me on the social media platform to join the Live. 🥰 And thankfully so, because I needed to know about this man. 

I was hooked. He acknowledged people BY NAME, while he was playing. Over and over, I heard him tell people who joined his DJ sets that he loved them. The people who joined didn’t say it first. DJ D Nice offered his expression of love first and frequently. Never in my life have I witnessed anything like it. I joined his west coast sets—foregoing sleep to hear him tell people he loved them. 

Months later, his two girls would fly to stay with him. Seeing him invite his girls into his life and work and community was just mind-blowing and so heart expanding for me. 

Kier Gaines and Karega Bailey: (Join at 3:45) This was a very healing call I stumbled upon one day. It was an absolutely beautiful conversation with two Black fathers of baby girls. 

Tommy Oliver: I learned about Karega Bailey from watching Black Love. Watching the Black Love co-founder and his love for his wife and three baby boys could easily melt a cold heart. So sweet!

Two of my friends and I started exchanging examples of what a great dad looks like on IG: 

Beyond #girldad

A theme I have taken with me from the start of this healing process is a reminder that parents are people. They are not gods. They are not perfect, because perfection is a myth. My biological father is just a man. And now as a fully formed adult, I can visualize my ideal. If your father was negligent, violent, or missing a critical component to shoring up your confidence or well being, I encourage you to gain clarity on what you would have loved to experience as a child. Hopefully what I’ve shared here helps in your healing path.



Graduating to Group Therapy

At the age of 21, I landed my first salaried job and immediately dived into researching available benefits. For the first time, I noticed a new option. This employer offered an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). 

An EAP is an employee benefit program that assists employees with personal problems and/or work-related problems that may impact their job performance, health, mental and emotional well-being. EAPs generally offer free and confidential assessments, short-term counseling, referrals, and follow-up services for employees and their household members.

I tucked this benefit away in the back of my mind until I was clear and confident about my need for it. Well, that moment arrived pretty quickly. I had been living with my partner of two years at the time. As the first home I'd ever lived in after a chaotic childhood, we experienced much of the same communication challenges. Where was I supposed to learn to communicate if I didn't pick up these skills with my family of origin? 

Saving Myself

I received feedback from my ex that I was always negative. He was always eager to offer feedback on areas for me to work on. He always expected more from me. So when he shared the feedback about me being more negative than positive, I listened and decided to get some help so that someone—who I didn't live with—could hold up a mirror for me to see who and how I was. Being this was the closest thing to stability I’d experienced by my late teens, I didn't want to burden him with my negativity. With the awareness of a new resource, EAP, I was ready to take the reins of my own evolution.

I interviewed three therapists before selecting one who would demand I be honest with myself and her. I saw her as often as I could afford the copay until Hurricane Katrina resulted in my relocation to Austin. Up to this point, I was the only one in the house committed to therapy.

Post-Natural Manmade Disaster

Now in Austin, and fresh off an evacuation turned relocation, I proposed we see a therapist together. We felt fine in the new city, to be honest. But there could have been a bit of delusion at play. Feeling fine, we collectively decided that couples therapy, post-Katrina, would be a good way to ensure we kept our heads screwed on tight. 

The pro bono chiropractor I was seeing recommended the therapist we committed to seeing for a decade, off and on. The therapist offered to see us for free until we could afford to pay her on a sliding scale. Due to our unusual circumstances, she broke her rule to see us individually in addition to visits together. This is rarely offered as an option. 

Post-Layoff

Before we hit the ten year mark with our first couples therapist, I believed I needed to do much more to heal. Near the seven-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and three months before my 30th birthday, I was laid off. It was a traumatic break. Once free, my body stopped holding the compounded pain that it had collected over three decades. It cracked. I cracked. 

I decided to freelance full-time and to step up my own healing process—seeing a hypnotherapist, naturopath, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) practitioner, and energy healers including reiki, Body Talk, Accunect and an akashic records reader. 

My Comeback

After working with this team for four-years, making my way through the slow exorcism that ensued and taking three weeks to travel throughout SE Asia with my then husband, I was ready to return to salaried, full-time work in an office setting. 

I contacted the EAP office in the first month after clarifying its terms and identifying a practitioner whose toolbox aligned with my interests and whose background aligned with my values. She was great. So great that after six sessions, she recommended I look into group therapy. She expressed her recommendation was an unofficial graduation. And it felt like good timing. 

I called around and received mindblowing estimates for the start-up and maintenance costs for group therapy. 

For example, the insights I received concluded a requirement to visit with the therapist three to five times one-on-one at the rate of $180, to total $540 to $900 before he or she decides to invite you to join the group. The groups, on average, are capped at eight people.

If you are invited to join the group, you are required to attend weekly visits each month indefinitely. The monthly rate at which you’re billed, on average, is $250. This is to be paid by check or cash, not credit card or flexible spending card.

So, I shut this option down.

New Beginnings

Disappointed, I kept my eyes and ears open for more affordable options and one appeared. My employer offered several options for group therapy. So I signed up for a free program that ran weekly through fall and early winter. The focus of the group was to reset default habits by breaking goals into smaller, achievable bits. There were weekly reading assignments, and I was charged with tracking my progress daily in the following areas: 

  • joy points (reasons for gratitude)

  • water consumption

  • exercise

  • food

  • mood

  • sleep 

I was grateful for the access to accountability partners, new tools, and more insights into my patterns.

If group therapy was recommended for you:

  1. Explore free support group options with specific outcomes; for example: 

  2. Research if your employer offers a free or reduced fee option; If not, search your city on Psychology Today for resources.

  3. Once you've narrowed down your list to three options, call and interview practitioners; inquire about their pricing, meeting schedule and expectations.

  4. Select the option that works best with your budget and proceed with promise into your healing process.

If you know of other free or reduced fee options for group therapy, please share below.


Who needs therapy?

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Everyone needs a therapist. 

If you were interested in investing in a company and they told you they didn’t have a team of advisors, you would turn around, keep your coins in your pocket and run if you are wise. We all need help. Every last one of us. And to say you don’t is to be delusional. Support doesn’t always have to take the form of a therapist—there are life coaches, personal trainers, nutritionists, professional organizers and other potential partners you can employ to help you get your life in order. But to think you can manage it all on your own is to take on more work than most human beings can bear.

Who does therapy help? 

Therapy helps everyone, even therapists. When you know better, you do better and you can inspire others in your life. If you have frenemies or wounded family members who thrive on drama and can no longer get a rise out of you, they’ll take note and evolve or move on to their next target. 

Your relationships with coworkers can improve. You’ll have the clarity and motivation to find a healthier employer or develop the bravery to take a chance at entrepreneurship. Your children can have a healthier parent, if you have someone to call when you’re about ready to scream. And you’ll return to them with more strategic tools to grow into functional human beings. If you could benefit from more tools for surviving and thriving, a qualified therapist can introduce you to these tools.

MYTH BUSTERS

I don’t have to hire someone to talk to. I have friends and family for that. 

Correction: Good friends don’t dump on their friends. If you have people you value in your life, don’t lay the heavy stuff on them. Process it with a professional first. It’s the least selfish way of moving in the world. Also, are your friends and family behavioral or mental health professionals? Do they have their own lives in order? Do you really trust them with your life? 

Even if they do appear to have their lives in order, what would be the benefit to them to constantly listen to and / or solve your problems? There is none. In fact, if they are healthy human beings who have their lives in order, they’ll likely have boundaries that will remind you to call a professional. And it’s highly likely they have someone they call when in need. 

Also, no one owes you their time or insights for free. Sure, a benefit of friendship is to have someone to listen to you and someone for you to listen to. However, this doesn’t give a green light for you to have someone in your life who you complain to all the time. If you’re 51% negative, call in professional help. This will ensure you’ll continue to have friends to call, and your friendships will likely become healthier.

I am who I am. I’m too old and set in my ways to change.

I definitely thought people were who they were going to be by the age of 40. My mother-out-law was in her late 60s when she visited a therapist for the first time.This is on the heels of her being open to visiting with my acupuncturist who also does craniosacral therapy. She opened up to all different types of modalities and has since overhauled her diet with positive results! It’s never too late to grow or try new things. As long as you have tools and time, you can continue to heal and evolve.

I’m a strong Black person. I have religion and a church home. I don’t need a therapist. 

Correction: You absolutely could benefit from a professional counselor. Historically, when have Black women had the opportunity, time and space to heal? 

From childhood through adulthood, I went from one toxic environment to the next—at home and work—without being equipped with skills to cope with the fallout of these experiences. I was always running, without a pause to breathe, feel and heal. My over-involvement in church did not save me. In fact, I believe it masked the chaos happening in my personal life. I was highly trained, at a young age, and skilled at making my narcissist family dynamic look like #goals.

I went from a home built on domestic violence to unsafe schools to jobs and a marriage that exacerbated my stress level as I transitioned into adulthood. Without a true break or professional counsel, I was bound to continue on the path from one toxic situation to another. Thankfully, in my early 20s, I started working with a therapist. In my early 30s, I explored new-to-me types of therapies that empowered me with the tools to piece myself back together after some major life events. In many ways, therapy helped me break the cycle of self-destruction. 

Truth is, we have to recognize we need help and normalize asking for help. We have to ask the right people for support. This gives us a fighting chance at a better life. 


Showing Up for Myself

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I’m 38 today. I decided to be the most indulgent I’ve ever been, and I scheduled a photo shoot to punctuate this wild year. This was an important move in my process of showing up for myself with love, and without judgment. Last year, it hit me that I’ve always been more comfortable spending money to “fix” myself than I have in celebrating my life.

This year I am clear that I don’t need to earn the right love myself, to be celebrated or to experience joy. I don’t have to wait for someone else. I am fully capable of taking the lead in being enthusiastic about my life and showering myself in all that I want.

What I Want
On the topic of what I want, this is a question I’ve asked of each loved one in my life for as long as I can remember. I used to host a new year gathering of women titled “What I Want In [insert the year].” But after achieving my independence two years ago, so many people in my life began to turn this question toward me, and I honestly didn’t have a clear answer. I knew what I didn’t want, and that’s a start, but wasn’t up to the role of being my guiding light; and until I got clear, the list of what I didn’t want was driving my life.

Fast forward to 2020, and I think I’ve got it. I want the love I’ve learned to show myself to serve as a model for everyone else who shows up in my life. And this is happening. My incredible community of strong and brilliant women inspire me, love me, check on me frequently and they celebrate me often. The job I landed two months ago has been challenging and incredibly respectful, even empathetic. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve been able to get to know a guy for four months in the safest slow growth I’ve experienced with a man. It’s early still. So far, it’s been a welcome change. I hold the intention, that if it’s for me, let it continue with ease. If it isn’t, that it vanishes from my life as quickly as it arrived.

I Deserve
And the gifts keep coming. Yesterday, after 17 months of back and forth with the City of Austin, I secured my building permit to build a safe home in my favorite neighborhood in Austin. This is a big deal. At the start of the pandemic, I actually moved residences. My house, that I frantically invested a significant amount of money into two years ago, was quite literally falling apart around me. I replaced the north wall of the house due to mold and another aggressive leak. I attempted to repair the roof of my ceiling after noticing a leak in the bedroom. The water heater was falling through the plywood base. I replaced the foundation. And, still, it wasn’t enough.

And it was made clear, through opening up in conversation with close friends about the conditions I lived in for years, that I deserved more than that house offered. It wasn’t enough, and I deserve more.

So Much More
More arrived. It was as if the move helped to break a spell. I received free health insurance, after being denied twice, after a charmed conversation with a gym friend. I received financial aid through the year and it was retroactively applied to the previous two semesters. I returned to school last year after almost two decades away and asked myself “How will I be able to finance my education with grace and ease?” Months later, the answer arrived.

After 15 months of being out of work, not for lack of trying, I landed a role that is in so much alignment with me. Also, not once was I terrified of homelessness or honestly concerned about having enough food to eat during this time. I’ve also become quite skilled at cooking and baking this year! Each area of my life has seen improvement. Considering the state of the world, I feel so protected, held, and grateful. I feel like this is the closest I’ve lived in truth.

Hindsight 2020
Every experience I have lived has led me to this moment, so I regret nothing. I now see that each time I’ve taken a step to show up for myself—pursuing my independence, switching up my career path, opening up to new friends, trying a more compassionate way to maintain fitness—new opportunities to celebrate make themselves visible.

I am now celebrated not solely for what I can do but for who I am. I am celebrated daily for existing, and I’m finally leading the charge. I deserve to be celebrated. I deserve nice things. I deserve safety. And to not feel the pressure to earn this level of love is so liberating. I am growing in my practice of unconditional love of self, and it feels like sweet relief. And to mirror my efforts, I am clear and confident that everyone in my life right now is on my team and verbalize often and display in their actions that they want me to win. It’s hard to lose when you’re surrounded by support.

For an example, the first message for my new year just arrived from my architect: “Everything is in realignment for sure, and even more amazing with your birthday. How exciting. Enjoy the warm glow!”

My Texas Glam Squad
Photographer: Hakeem Adewumi, Dallas
Stylist: Kirsten Thompson, San Antonio
Makeup Artist: Chanel Sanchez, Austin

Big thanks to Yvahn, Anne Elizabeth and Dawna for helping me better communicate with my awesome stylist and Jerrika for helping me make sense of what the photographer was requesting. This shoot was a beautifully executed team effort. 💖

My BFRB and the Beautiful Moon

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Watching one of the dating shows on Netflix, I heard someone say “My darling. Even the beautiful moon has scars.” This was in response to her sharing the trauma of her skin in a car accident, I believe. This struck me like a self-love seed planted in my psyche.

Skin Health Background

I have had skin issues for the majority of my life. I was one of the first children to catch and bring home chicken pox. My immune system was fairly weak when I was young. I must have scratched every mark. Around the age of 11, I began to show signs of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), with excessive body hair, that often led to ingrown hair, which almost always led to hyperpigmentation and scarring.

Gluten also affected my skin in the form of eczema, which manifested as seborrheic dermatitis that appeared as dandruff. Also, cystic acne. My naturopath helped me make the connection in 2015. While cutting it out of my diet helped, it wasn’t the cure for all that ailed me. 

For a long time, I’ve explored many options to heal the root cause of my skin issues. I’ve taken supplements; hired aestheticians for laser hair removal, chemical peels, microneedling, and I’m sure there’s more. Due to the fluctuation of my hormone levels with PCOS, progress in healing my skin comes and goes.

Exploring My Response

This year, in quarantine, attention was redirected away from how to fix the root cause of it and toward ways to address my response to the symptoms. I learned years ago that my two-decades long response is called dermatillomania or excoriation disorder or chronic skin-picking. 

When I discovered this, I was overwhelmed and horrified by all of these names, so I stopped calling it anything. When I was ready, I simply made the request to my closest friends to gently draw my attention to the action, if it happens in front of them or to ask me how I’m holding up, if there’s proof of picking.

No one can check my problematic behavior they can’t see and that I hide well, when we’re self-isolating for the pandemic. That said, I’ve built my self-awareness muscles quite a bit in recent years, and noticed the compulsion to self-soothe by attacking my skin grew stronger. I decided therapy wasn’t exactly the move to discuss this because I tried that for a long time and that modality rarely helped me put a dent in the behavior. 

By Another Name

I started searching for the uncomfortable sounding names I learned years before and stumbled upon a new one, Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs). It isn’t an obsessive-compulsive disorder or in the same category as self-harm, like cutting. It’s an impulse control behavior. Other examples include hair pulling and biting nails or the inside of your cheeks. 

Learning the expanded language around BFRBs has made it so much easier for me to be open to solutions and to talk about it with people in my life. And some of these people only popped on my radar this year.

BFRB Community

Along with discovering the new name, I identified support groups. In 2017, my therapist suggested it was time to “graduate” to group therapy or support groups. At the time, I wasn’t sure what groups to join or what my options were. This year it was clear. I joined three virtual BFRB support group meetups—national, San Francisco and Atlanta. The group in my city didn’t have enough engagement to sustain virtual meetups.

This group has helped me feel more connected to the world with the reminder that there’s a place for all of us. I see other women who I honestly cannot tell that they have a BRFB. I’ve been told people can’t see that about me. When I look in the mirror, it is honestly most of what I see.

Reprogramming Beauty

Seeing myself through a new lens is my work right now. The slow work of healing my skin is forcing me to practice patience and to grow my self-love while I wait. In high school, my first boyfriend called me pizza face. At home, my mom and sister referred to me as a “cheetah” because I was “so spotty.” I am aware now that wounded people project their pain onto others. 

I also have more resources now to reset thoughts about my body. One that is in development is self-acceptance. Another is a gang of girlfriends who see me through the rosiest lenses. And quick quips from reality tv are helping. To hear “even the beautiful moon has scars” changed something in me. 

I absolutely love the moon at all stages. If I can feel that for the moon, I can turn a bit of that admiration around toward myself. 

Safe Dating in a Global Pandemic

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To be completely transparent, I was a bit critical of people who were talking about dating in the beginning stages of the current COVID-19 / coronavirus pandemic quarantine. From my perspective, spending time alone was a gift and safe. I rejoiced at the fact I wasn’t in an ill-fitted relationship on house arrest until this thing calmed down. With a lifetime of living in silence in close proximity with someone in the house, the quiet that came with mandated isolation this year was more refreshing than the alternative. This year, it has felt like more of a choice.

Now that we are five months into the pandemic (should be) lockdown, I am starting to see things from the perspective of some others. After a long break, and at the encouragement of my therapist, I returned to the Bumble dating app in early June. 

Safe in Bumble

The first response from putting myself out there was a lot of interest from bored and eager, albeit lazy, guys. Without regard for their health or mine, and without the introduction of a conversation, I was invited several times to hike, meet for walks, to swim and insert anything else that requires zero investment of effort, creativity or funds.

After gracefully declining these invitations, I shifted my focus back to my self-care practices and personal projects. Once summer semester was coming to a close, I revisited Bumble. I removed the distance filter (because we should all be “safe at home” and “sheltering in place” anyway and open to traveling for love), paid for a one-week subscription to see who cleared the initial screen, and I matched with 11 guys. 

I was pleased with some updates made in the app since the last time I was on. Bumble has introduced multiple features that address safety, including in-app options to: initiate a video call or audio call and to send video or audio messages in addition to text messages. 

Before when dating online, I shared my phone number to connect in a video call before making plans to meet in person. This greatly reduces the likelihood of being catfished. I later downloaded the Burner app to create a temporary number since I learned when dating an attorney two years ago, that a lot of information can be collected from a phone number; sometimes, even your home address. You don’t want your phone number or address in the hands of the wrong person.

The new features in Bumble allow multiple ways to connect, providing insights into how comfortable someone is with communicating and their preferred formats for doing so. One of my matches applied them all and quickly rose to the top.

Incentive to Talk

Toward the end of the first week of chatting and calls, he asked if I was available to connect virtually that weekend. I accepted and proposed Netflix Party (NP), knowing very little about the app, in response to his recommendation to check out one of his favorite comedians on the platform. He was game and began to look into it. At the time and date we chose, he shared the NP link to start the virtual date.

In NP, I was surprised there was only a chat feature to the right of the screen. For some reason, I imagined seeing the show or movie and having a side screen to see the face of the other person watching. In hindsight, it ended up being better than I imagined. The primary reason I love it is it forces both parties to use our words or else there’s radio silence. You can view efforts made, plainly and in real time. And if there’s radio silence, it is made evident that it could be more fun and less required coordination to simply watch alone. 

Watching a show with someone displays the cadence of their communication, their humor and ability to stay present and engage. It has also acted as a conversation prompt to ask thoughtful questions to get to know the other person. NYTimes and We’re Not Really Strangers offers more options to learn more about your match. Netflix Party dates offers a window into the types of content they’re into or signs they pickup on. It’s an excellent display of their written interpersonal communication skills; also, their ability to spell with speed.

The one guy I have met in this way is also a fan of dating shows. He’s been divorced the same amount of time I have and also coupled-up really young. So we are both learning how to navigate the dating landscape with more tools. We watched one comedy special and all five episodes of Love on the Spectrum. All Netflix nights were prompted by him. Yesterday, I asked what his dating show intro would be. Quickly, he whipped up a very well-written and witty response. I did the same. It was mad cute. I have no idea how long this guy will last but I’m enjoying the virtual connection for now.

I stumbled upon these two adorable reviews of NP during quarantine on Reddit:

Another date idea we’ve talked about is something I’ve enjoyed with girlfriends during isolation, cooking the same meal over video chat. Joining an online fitness class is another option that’s been discussed. [09/12/20 Update: We’ve baked over video chat and joined a yoga zoom with my gym. I highly recommend doing both!]

What are some ways you’re staying safe while getting to know someone new?

The Washington Post and NYTimes have some great tips:

Identifying Pandemic Partnership Material

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The consistent theme of this pandemic is improving our standards. Improving standards we hold for our publicly-sponsored elected officials. Improving standards for how we care for ourselves and illustrate the value we hold for our lives. Improving standards for how others treat us and show up for us. 

After more than a year break from dating, I decided to hop back on Bumble on June 1st. With adjusting to my new residence, establishing my footing with two challenging college courses, navigating and supporting the Black Lives Matter uprising, and keeping myself alive as Texas numbers steadily increase for COVID-19 cases, dating absolutely was not a priority. 

One week before the summer semester ended, I decided to pay for a Bumble subscription for the week. This allowed me to view potential suitors I had not yet declined. This immediately resulted in 11 matches. Confident that the guys’ responses to my intro question would thin the herd, I wasn’t concerned about keeping up with all contacts. Three categories soon surfaced:

  1. Hot and Vapid: This was my pick in 2018—traditionally physically attractive with an inability to show up, think or use their words. This type, in my experience, is more often than not emotionally unavailable, insecure, hyper-focused on their work or whatever hustle they have going on. They prefer quick and shallow results when matching. Empathy is absent, but that is possibly due to lack of exposure to it or narcissism.  

  2. Last Pick and Bored: This guy is low hanging fruit. He is relentless. Before he asks anything of substance, he asks you out; not for a virtual date but in person...in a global pandemic, knowing nothing about you. This guy is insecure. He may send you an inappropriate photo of...himself. He has no hobbies of significance besides attempting to spread his germs to romantic interests who lack boundaries and substantive life goals. 

  3. Cute and Consistent: This one is new to me. This guy may be confident. He has no game and appears honest. So far, he meets baseline standards of using his words daily, but not manically; asking thoughtful questions consistently, without interrogation; and has range from humorous to serious conversations. He is patient and respectful of his time and others. He has a limited quarantine pod and enjoys his own company.

Needless to say, cute and consistent is in the lead, for as long as he lasts. This is a fun experience during semester break as I continue to form the full picture of “my type”. Several filters have helped me reach this point including so much trial and error, LOTS of therapy, solid advice from reputable sources/friends, and well-timed tips from the internet. 

  1. Amanda Seales’ enlightening video on how to avoid guys who aren’t serious people.

  2. The Kouncil and Awards for Good Boys on instagram to aid in identifying red flags.

  3. Profiles of 13 guys you’ll meet on a dating app on Roxane Gay’s Medium publication.

How are you determining who has pandemic partnership potential?

An Existential Question in the Age of Two Pandemics

Years ago, Humans of New York approached an adorable and fashionably dressed Black baby girl on the street and asked her the question most children are asked around this age; a simple question that often produces the most lighthearted responses. She was asked, “Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?” to which she replied, “A person.”

HONY Person


I think about her response often, especially in the current climate. It was not lost on me, for a second, the profundity of her statement. It’s interesting she didn’t identify a profession, the go-to for most littles. 

What did this little girl know? Surely, she couldn’t have known people who look like her and me were written into the United States Constitution as ⅗ human. To be clear, at the inception of the country, we were seen as property and not human in the eyes of our “founding fathers.” 

I learned this just this year. Only recently did I receive the added context that this decision was made to quell poor white Americans into believing there was someone (or something) beneath them, to reduce their motivation to rebel against the rich white population. It appears to have worked as many continue to vote against themselves in order to vote against our humanity.

Reprogramming Resource:

College-level Courses — US and Texas Government and US History; SP-SU 2020

Healthcare in America: Don't Take No for an Answer

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By mid-May, roughly two months into quarantine, I had increased mental bandwidth to do more than simply survive. My mindset shifted toward ways to thrive during these unforeseen times. The priority became laying a more solid foundation for safety as the previously built infrastructure crumbled worldwide. My first step to secure a stronger base was to pursue health insurance. 

For the last year, since my last full-time employment role, I have freelanced a bit while pursuing full-time employment. In this search, I have communicated my preference for my next assignment to include health benefits. Fast forward to 2020, and it has become clear that health insurance tied to employment in Texas or America is the opposite of a stable or secure. 

Between COBRA and an attempt to apply for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act, my option last year was to pay $450-600/month. That was not a realistic option without a consistent source of income. 

Sharing is Caring

After a call with a dear friend who has been quite the cheerleader for not leaving any money on the table during the pandemic, I applied for Medicaid. I was immediately denied. I soon learned that women must be pregnant and single to be approved in Texas. Next, I was directed to apply for coverage through “the marketplace.” Again, I was immediately denied since enrollment was closed. 

Resolved to navigate the global pandemic without insurance, I put the idea out of my mind until I had a physical distanced tea date with a gym girlfriend. We talked about how we were taking care of ourselves and paying bills without consistent employment. We were both fortunate to have secured pandemic unemployment assistance. When I mentioned I was declined in all ways for health insurance, she was confused. She was approved.

When I asked about her application process, I learned she spoke with a person to get enrolled, while my entire process was completed online. I requested the contact information for her person. She shared a guy’s name, phone number and email address. Albeit a bit skeptical of the whole thing, I decided to call her guy. I left a message. He called me later that day, and in less than a 15 minute call, I was approved for free healthcare, based on my employment status. 

It’s Legit

Two weeks later, my insurance card arrived. Within days of its arrival, I scheduled my annual physical. My appointment was free. My nurse practitioner scheduled labs totaling $2152, of which I am responsible for $130. I filled a name brand prescription and paid only $9 for it. Off brand prescriptions range between $0-3. I can’t fully describe how grateful I felt in that first week of July. I was signed up for insurance with Oscar Health. My girlfriend’s insurance is with Ambetter. 

One week after experiencing free health insurance, I reached out to the guy who signed me up and requested an upgrade that moved me from a “zero premium / pay full-price until an $8,150 deductible is met” model for non-preventative and specialist visits to a copay model. I now pay $40/month and my copay for primary care physician (PCP) and specialist visits is $5. Telemedicine visits are free. I have honestly paid more for a meal with wine, while dining out BC (before COVID-19).

Marketplace Contact

So, who is this guy who signed me up? Who pays him? Why didn’t I know about this offering? The guy has been paid by the government since 2011 to qualify and sign people up for health insurance following the passing of the Affordable Care Act. One year into the current occupant’s appointment as the leader of the “free world,” he cut the program’s advertising budget by 90% and the in-person outreach program by $23 million. 

As he shared with me, he relies on word of mouth to enroll Americans for healthcare not tied to employment. He further explained, when I asked about the appropriate contacts for other states and regions including New York and California. He replied “They're all very different actually. New York and California both have their own enrollment platforms developed by their respective states so they don't use the Federal one like I use for say Florida, Georgia, Texas and most other states in the south.” 

Please know there are affordable options and regardless of the state you are in, his team can point you in the right direction. Feel free to reach out to him directly. His name is Jeffrey Mercado. He’s what’s referred to as a Navigator. He’s based out of Florida and can be reached by phone at 727-417-5534 or email at jeff@getcoveredusa.org. His facebook page is @getcoveredusa.

What’s a Navigator?

“Navigators are trained to assist consumers, small businesses, and their employees as they look for health coverage options through the Marketplace, including completing eligibility and enrollment forms. They are funded through federal grant funds, and their services are free to consumers.” If Jeffrey is unavailable, it may benefit you to search the In-Person Assistance (IPA)/Navigator directory for your state or region. Once you identify the appropriate agency for where you live, inquire about the dates and times when enrollment assistance is available.

Plan Options

Types of plans available in the healthcare marketplace vary by state. Between 2015 and 2016, many—if not all—preferred provider organizations (PPOs) in Texas were canceled, leaving exclusive provider organizations (EPOs) and health maintenance organizations (HMOs). In my personal opinion, HMOs are the worst. They require you have a PCP that you are required to see and request referrals for any specialists. HMO coverage also tends to be limited to specific service areas in the state. This can be an issue when traveling. EPOs (and PPOs) allow you to see who you want, in-network, when you want.

Act Fast

A special enrollment period is now open until August 29, 2020.

911 Alternatives for Mental Health: Texas

Law enforcement is currently charged with far more responsibilities than they are equipped to manage. To aid in the protection, health and well being of your own community, arm yourself with more tools. If someone you know or are in close proximity with is a threat to themselves or others due to a potential psychiatric break, consider calling the alternatives below.

Did you know Texas Health and Human Services (HHS) has a mobile crisis outreach team (MCOT) that provides counseling services to people at their home, school or another location? Texas Health and Human Services contracts with 37 local mental health authorities and 2 local behavioral health authorities to deliver mental health services in communities across the state—through local mental health authorities (LMHAs) and local behavioral health authorities (LBHAs)—available 24/7, 365 days a year.

LMHAs and LBHAs serve every county in Texas providing a variety of mental health services and supports—priced based on your ability to pay—including outpatient mental health services: 

Austin Travis County Integral Care, Travis County’s MCOT 512-472-4357 The crisis hotline for your county may be found here or dial 2-1-1 to request connection to your local mental health authority (LMHA) or local behavioral health authority (LBHA).

A law enforcement representative for emergency situations—a mental health liaison officer or deputy— is also available for two purposes:

  1. Respond to emergency calls involving health individuals in a mental crisis

  2. Divert individuals from the criminal-justice system and connect them with mental health services

Departments are called Mental Health Units or Crisis Intervention Teams (CIT). Both refer to a group of law enforcement officers who are trained to respond to persons in a mental health crisis. The Texas Commission on Law Enforcement offers the Mental Health Officer Training Course, with a minimum requirement of 40 hours and 80 maximum hours; the Mental Health Peace Officer Distance Education certification, requiring 40 hours. A 12-week field training program is mandated for mental health deputies. When 911 is called instead of the number below, this can happen.

Numbers for Central Texas include:

  • Travis County Crisis Intervention Team, 512-854-3430

  • Austin Police Department Crisis Intervention Team, 512-854-3450

  • Williamson County Mobile Crisis Outreach Team, 512-943-3545

  • Hill Country MHDD (Hays and South Counties), 877-466-0660

  • Scheib MH Center (San Marcos), 512-392-7151

  • Bastrop Crisis Intervention Team, 512-549-5100

  • Burnet Crisis Intervention Team, 512-756-8080 

Dating: Learning to Read Signs

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In my adult life, I’ve only been single for 20 months; this is after an almost 17 year relationship that began when I was 18. Needless to say, I am learning a lot as a single woman navigating the world. There are now dating apps, an extreme cultural aversion to phone calls and in person interaction beyond transaction, multiple terms for abusive and generally poor communication, and I’ve aged out of social scenes familiar to me two decades ago. 

I’ve been leaning on the counsel of friends, singles and second-time married couples. I’ve shared screenshots of confusing text messages for clarification and a number of stories about my calls and dates. I’ve gained lots of insights in this time and now believe, in dating, there are no rules. There are only standards.

Tonight, Netflix recommended He’s Just Not That Into You. And the message at the end of the movie beautifully and concisely sums up the lessons I’ve learned:

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending, we don’t learn how to read the signs, how to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe...It’s You, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just...moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.”

I love this. And it rings so true. 

In the first two and a half months of being single, I went out with far more guys than I would have predicted. In each exchange, I learned a little bit more. I got more comfortable being in close quarters with a guy I didn’t know. I held the intention to keep my heart open and to open it a bit more in time. This may be viewed as a rookie mistake by some, but I have no regrets. 

A closed heart only attracts other closed hearts. A closed heart can’t see or react to true connection when it presents itself. An open heart offers more promise. And when broken, it only cracks open more when healed. A broken heart can heal. 

Due to a combination of my open heart and default of denial, I misread a lot of signs in the beginning. 

Take One:   The first guy I spent time with after reentering the free world was a long-time friend. He was dear to me, someone I confided in for over a decade. He offered lots of dating advice including the gem: “Be cautious of who you attract when you’re wounded.” This advice would be caution I did not heed before allowing him into a new chamber of my heart. 

Signs I missed included the fact he never really had positive things to say about women. As far as I recall, he rarely owned his role in relationships that ended. I would learn, in a short window of time, how aligned he was with the type of guy I attracted, including the wide age gap and insistence on his reality being far more accurate than mine (gaslighting, so much). 

Benefits of our bond included him calling me out about my discomfort with hugs and my lack of trust being that physically close to a man. This helped heighten my consciousness around my lack of experience with physical affection. His advice to be cautious about my emotional stability when attracting suitors, and his behavior in the end, inspired me to pull all the way back from dating for the last year to heal my wounds before making myself available once again. And now I’m far more aware of emotional availability and red flags with respect to women. 

Take Two:   I matched with a guy on one app. After noticing a glitch in the hour, I deleted that app and downloaded another. I matched with the guy again immediately on the other app. Twice, on two apps, in 24 hours. A sign! Right? 

After knowing him for 18 months, I clarified that he, like any other relationship I initiate or allow, was in my life to teach me something and less intended to stay around forever. We had such inconsistent interaction over this time, but there were so many undeniable synchronicities that kept bringing us back together. In the last act, chance would reunite us walking on the same street in my city. It was my opportunity to say goodbye. I knew it was the end.

I missed the signs that he was all play, had porous boundaries, and made more effort to be interesting than interested. He didn’t ask questions about me. I was exposed to spontaneity, something I wanted. He helped me, over time, loosen up around my schedule and plans. Fun without substance or consistency eventually got old as I grew up. I fell into “wife-mode” very quickly. It then became clear how codependent I’ve been throughout my life. This awareness is leading to profound healing. 

Take Three:   The person I interacted with the second longest period of time, I also met him within 24 hours of joining a new dating app. He ghosted me after about two months. This came after very consistent communication by phone, text and video chat, often at his prompt. I learned on our first date that he never felt loved by his mom. Although he was the most successful of his siblings, he was always in the pursuit of proving his worth to her to little fanfare. He pursued his profession to please her, to obtain security to afford a wife and children, and he hates his job. He always did what he was supposed to do.

After it became clear I was ghosted, an article popped up on social media about lovebombing. I went down the rabbit hole researching this term and realized this was the theme of my relationships. An insecure and emotionally unavailable person seeks to identify the insecurities of a “love” interest. Once confirmed, the insecurities are exploited to establish interest and hook the other’s heart. When the lovebomber knows the other person is hooked, they maintain effort until they get whatever it is they want—money, sex, control. And once the goal is obtained, the lovebombed is discarded or the effort simply ends until the lovebombed gets some self-worth and moves on. 

The missed signs were his response to his mom’s neglect, the message shared by his fear-based life choices, and very over the top complimentary texts early on. Learning about lovebombing through him and experiencing the shock of being ghosted have been powerful lessons. In our time together, I was inspired to experience a man who communicated so consistently and clearly and didn’t run the math on dinner while dining out. Albeit short lived, I’m still grateful to know these traits exist. Closing the door on my chapter with him helped me return to myself—a huge gift from an effective teacher. 

I am learning my discernment is stronger than it was 20 months ago. It’s stronger than it was one month ago, to be honest. Now that I’ve gained some clarity on reading signs, I plan to continue sharpening this muscle. I’m curious to observe my responses to signs moving forward. And I’m extremely grateful for all of the women I’m meeting and growing closer to over this time who have shared their own stories of misread (or ignored) signs. The more we share, the more effective we can all become at avoiding misaligned, distracting, and painful romantic experiences.

People always tell us who they are early on. It’s up to us to listen, believe them, and refrain from plugging them into a manufactured storyline they know nothing about. In the absence of a match being made, enjoy and make the most of your solo time. This is the sweet spot.

Resources—

Surviving a narcissistic mom

We called her Cancer. This was the most fitting description my husband and I could come up with to help distance myself when I decided to go no contact with my narcissistic mother, many years ago.

Anyone who lived in close range with with my mother for an extended period of time suffered. My brothers—adopted from the foster care system as an income generation source—are still homeless. My little sister lived with me and my husband during her last months of college when we learned she was living out of her car, sleeping in the library, and showering at the gym to escape the madness of our mother.

My mother’s second husband died, I believe, from not using his voice to defend himself or us against her. A man who didn’t smoke or drink, died slowly and painfully of throat and tongue cancer. Her third husband called me to share that she would knock back a bottle of Crown Royal before beating and berating him at home and in public. I later learned after he dated an acquaintance of mine—he was a younger guy—that he doesn’t mention being married to my mother. I understand.

If she was so bad, how did I end up so balanced?

First, after receiving the diagnosis of c-ptsd from childhood trauma, I’m admittedly still very much a work in progress. And second, relationships saved me.

Developing Survival Skills

My biological father gifted me with a computer he built when I was 13. Glaring at the computer screen late at night and living in AOL chat rooms until I could no longer see straight gave me a connection to the world when my mother would go silent. This was a common occurrence.

If she wasn’t speaking to one of us, no one in the family felt safe to talk to the person being shunned. So I learned to find friends she couldn’t see or keep away from me.

Nothing to Worry About

On early release days from school, I’d hitchhike home from Canal Street. The earth angels who picked me up would buy me food—something I couldn’t always depend on at home. They were always guys and would drive around to give me time to eat or rest before returning home. I was never attacked. I learned—when later sharing this with my husband—this was nothing short of a miracle in New Orleans.

I never feared for my life when hailing rides with strangers. I never feared anyone as much as I feared my mother.

My mother, Cancer, was an alcoholic, a shopaholic, a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive 4’11” woman with narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar personality disorder. She was unpredictable. She was broken.

After several years of going no contact to focus on my healing journey, I returned her chain of anxious calls that came in cycles. And I asked, “What do you remember about your childhood?” She would only ever answer with a memory of being five and wearing a pastel blue dress, with a matching bow in her hair.”

Childhood Trauma Tells

This was her only memory. No matter how many times I asked, this was all she had. Later, I learned the absence of childhood memories is a telltale sign of complex trauma. I learned this because I have very few memories of my own childhood.

Domestic violence and neglect peppered the timeline of my childhood memories, until my mother passed away two years ago today. A funny thing happened. In the six to nine months following her passing, I started to remember a few positive things from my youth. It was finally safe to see her softer side.

No One is All Bad

I recalled my mother singing and signing, in American Sign Language, Luther Vandross songs around the house. I remembered her explanation for naming me what she did; to ensure employers never made assumptions about my ethnicity—increasing my opportunities to be interviewed and possibly hired. She would also take me and my sister to plays.

I began to realize, as early as her funeral, that no one is all bad. I’m sure there were people who attended her funeral to confirm she was really gone. Hell! That’s the reason I traveled back to New Orleans for the send-off.

But there were people in attendance whose lives she impacted in a more positive way. They might have had surface relationships but that doesn’t detract from the impact. We require all levels of relationships in our lives to teach us what we need to learn.

My mother existed for a reason. She brought me into this world, whether or not it was for child support and to have a punching bag, I’m here. I learned from every lesson I experienced at her hand.

Silver Lining

I wouldn’t possess as many tools right now if it weren’t for the mother I had or have such deep context for self-love without witnessing the opposite for so long. With the support of real friends and a solid team of healers, I've been able to transform my pain and to stop transmitting it.

I have exceptional credit because she committed identity theft with my social security number for eight years. I’m empathetic because she attacked me from multiple angles for 17 years. I found love in my relationships because I was clear, early on, about what love was not. I survived my narcissistic mother and now I’m better prepared to support myself and to help others.

She must have been tormented. No one hurts people as much as she did and for so long without a body full of pain. I’m glad she’s no longer suffering. I’m grateful for the lessons I learned from her and for the freedom she granted me in her passing two years ago.

Freedom is my new foundation.

Pertiwi: Reframing Mothers on Mother's Day

"We come from earth. We return to the earth. And in between, we garden."

It is a great tragedy of life that some people are not fortunate enough to have stable childhood homes with sane, unified and supportive parents. I've learned this is fairly common. There are many homes built on emotional quick sand and cracked foundations. This is, in part, why there are broken adults and war.

We can't control where we come from—the planet or our parents. But we can control our worldview and what we make of the life we're given. As the daughter of a mother with bipolar personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, I felt I hit the jackpot of dysfunction. I internalized this dysfunction as my own and could not see my story in any other way. For a while, I struggled with how I could reframe and document my story, yet stay true to my experiences.

I didn't want to wait so long to write my story, that I'd forget to relay the mania and pain inflicted by my mother. However, I did want to wait long enough to empathize with her struggles with herself. I also longed to present a viable solution to support others birthed by broken moms.

One of the tactics I've developed for making peace with having a mother who wasn't fully present or prepared to be a parent is to redirect my energy toward a visual that supports my existence. The image that has held true is the vital Mother Earth. Mother Earth "focuses on the life-giving and nurturing aspects of nature by embodying it, in the form of the mother." In Indonesia, Mother Earth is known as Ibu Pertiwi.

I was introduced to this personification by Ibu Ayu of Bucu Views in Ubud, when visiting Bali to celebrate my 34th birthday and 15th anniversary with my husb. During a long conversation we shared the first morning of our stay, Ayu spoke about the importance of prioritizing harmony with nature. She noted this as the key to freedom. 

Let it go.

After thinking about this concept for a few months, I realized I've been turning to Mother Earth since the fall of 2012. This was around the time I firmly went no contact with my mother—letting go of who she was and who I wanted her to be for me. I also automated my dream job that was then terminated, freeing me to pursue four years of freelance work, with the flexibility to heal myself.

When I received notice about the end of my job, intuition took over and led me to purchase a compost tumbler. This act seemed random to my partner, friends...and even to myself, if I'm being honest. But I couldn't stop thinking about composting until I had the tool to simplify it. So, a little at a time, I removed what was once considered trash outside to decompose to produce rich soil.

I've recently meditated on this cycle of letting go of what is meant to decompose. For example, I was sick for most of my life. I was one of the runts of my mother's litter. This was the result of maintaining chronic stress and holding it in my cellular body as it tried numerous ways to communicate that I had pain to release. 

One of the many lessons I learned in the conversation with Ayu is that freedom comes when you transcend your pain body. You've already experienced the pain. You don't have to carry it with you. But you can learn from those lessons, move forward and share what you've learned. This will elevate your experience. 

Although I deeply wanted this, the idea of stepping out of pain was terrifying. It was scary to think of trusting a new way of experiencing the world. And I was unclear how to release debilitating beliefs that were planted in me long ago and for decades. 

Turn up the heat.

In my experience with composting, I've witnessed the earth's way of naturally purging what doesn't belong. This has been a master class in trusting Mother Earth to detox and heal herself. For example, if there's a piece of plastic on a thrown away bit of apple, once the black gold is formed, the plastic will rise to the surface to be picked out and tossed.  

In my life, I've pursued outlets that empower me to do the same—to detox, lighten my psychic weight and to move through the world with more ease. The path to find ways to accomplish the decomposition of toxic roots has not been linear. It's been uncomfortable and expensive but worth it. 

I started with free options. I searched for Al-Anon groups and completely got it confused with Alcoholics Anonymous. When I accidentally attended an AA meeting, I listened to a father speak about his estranged family, how it took him too long to turn around his behavior, how he was accepting the loss, and how he was genuinely sorry. I heard this and I wept, raining down on the beliefs I strived to break down and break through. I cried as though the apology came from my own parent. This healing was free and prepared me for Al-Anon.

I also worked with my:

  • emotional state with EMDR, somatic couples therapy and the formation of my mother pie

  • chemistry by detoxing, supplementing, addressing my nutrition and prioritizing fitness and

  • energy with reiki and a handful of other effective modalities

Addressing all three of these areas has helped me determine what to keep or cultivate to fertilize my future.

Garden.

After two years of composting, I emptied my tumbler to make room for new contents. That spring and summer  hosted lots of sun and showers. It was the perfect combination for cleansing and making space for new beginnings. I continued my practice of turning the compost and went on with my life. In a couple of months, the compost pile produced food! There were stowaway seeds for cantaloupes we were able to enjoy and share with our neighbor. 

The lesson I learned from this was that when I feed the earth, it will sustain my in return. This was a much more enriching view of how I've grown to see motherhood. Mothers sustain life and inspire growth. This is in no way true of mothers with narcissistic personality disorder, but 100 percent true of Mother Earth. With sun and rain and offering what we no longer need, the earth, Mother Earth, will ensure we have all we need to thrive in the world. 

We have a choice in how we view the world. I once believed my childhood trauma was something to be ashamed of. I've learned overcoming struggle results in power and resilience. Shifting this view has allowed me to choose gratitude, happiness and freedom. I've learned my problems were a gift for the perspective they've given me. Without challenges, I would have little to no context for what is good. 

I have no only learned and benefited from the experiences I endured from my mother in my childhood. I've learned a great deal about the more nurturing side of motherhood from the earth and her healing abilities. 

Mother's Day is another day to focus on what sustains us and elevates humanity, and not to think of those who seek to tear it down one child at a time. Mother's Day is for healers, not harbingers of war. I hope this visualization aid helps you heal.