Showing Up for Myself

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I’m 38 today. I decided to be the most indulgent I’ve ever been, and I scheduled a photo shoot to punctuate this wild year. This was an important move in my process of showing up for myself with love, and without judgment. Last year, it hit me that I’ve always been more comfortable spending money to “fix” myself than I have in celebrating my life.

This year I am clear that I don’t need to earn the right love myself, to be celebrated or to experience joy. I don’t have to wait for someone else. I am fully capable of taking the lead in being enthusiastic about my life and showering myself in all that I want.

What I Want
On the topic of what I want, this is a question I’ve asked of each loved one in my life for as long as I can remember. I used to host a new year gathering of women titled “What I Want In [insert the year].” But after achieving my independence two years ago, so many people in my life began to turn this question toward me, and I honestly didn’t have a clear answer. I knew what I didn’t want, and that’s a start, but wasn’t up to the role of being my guiding light; and until I got clear, the list of what I didn’t want was driving my life.

Fast forward to 2020, and I think I’ve got it. I want the love I’ve learned to show myself to serve as a model for everyone else who shows up in my life. And this is happening. My incredible community of strong and brilliant women inspire me, love me, check on me frequently and they celebrate me often. The job I landed two months ago has been challenging and incredibly respectful, even empathetic. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve been able to get to know a guy for four months in the safest slow growth I’ve experienced with a man. It’s early still. So far, it’s been a welcome change. I hold the intention, that if it’s for me, let it continue with ease. If it isn’t, that it vanishes from my life as quickly as it arrived.

I Deserve
And the gifts keep coming. Yesterday, after 17 months of back and forth with the City of Austin, I secured my building permit to build a safe home in my favorite neighborhood in Austin. This is a big deal. At the start of the pandemic, I actually moved residences. My house, that I frantically invested a significant amount of money into two years ago, was quite literally falling apart around me. I replaced the north wall of the house due to mold and another aggressive leak. I attempted to repair the roof of my ceiling after noticing a leak in the bedroom. The water heater was falling through the plywood base. I replaced the foundation. And, still, it wasn’t enough.

And it was made clear, through opening up in conversation with close friends about the conditions I lived in for years, that I deserved more than that house offered. It wasn’t enough, and I deserve more.

So Much More
More arrived. It was as if the move helped to break a spell. I received free health insurance, after being denied twice, after a charmed conversation with a gym friend. I received financial aid through the year and it was retroactively applied to the previous two semesters. I returned to school last year after almost two decades away and asked myself “How will I be able to finance my education with grace and ease?” Months later, the answer arrived.

After 15 months of being out of work, not for lack of trying, I landed a role that is in so much alignment with me. Also, not once was I terrified of homelessness or honestly concerned about having enough food to eat during this time. I’ve also become quite skilled at cooking and baking this year! Each area of my life has seen improvement. Considering the state of the world, I feel so protected, held, and grateful. I feel like this is the closest I’ve lived in truth.

Hindsight 2020
Every experience I have lived has led me to this moment, so I regret nothing. I now see that each time I’ve taken a step to show up for myself—pursuing my independence, switching up my career path, opening up to new friends, trying a more compassionate way to maintain fitness—new opportunities to celebrate make themselves visible.

I am now celebrated not solely for what I can do but for who I am. I am celebrated daily for existing, and I’m finally leading the charge. I deserve to be celebrated. I deserve nice things. I deserve safety. And to not feel the pressure to earn this level of love is so liberating. I am growing in my practice of unconditional love of self, and it feels like sweet relief. And to mirror my efforts, I am clear and confident that everyone in my life right now is on my team and verbalize often and display in their actions that they want me to win. It’s hard to lose when you’re surrounded by support.

For an example, the first message for my new year just arrived from my architect: “Everything is in realignment for sure, and even more amazing with your birthday. How exciting. Enjoy the warm glow!”

My Texas Glam Squad
Photographer: Hakeem Adewumi, Dallas
Stylist: Kirsten Thompson, San Antonio
Makeup Artist: Chanel Sanchez, Austin

Big thanks to Yvahn, Anne Elizabeth and Dawna for helping me better communicate with my awesome stylist and Jerrika for helping me make sense of what the photographer was requesting. This shoot was a beautifully executed team effort. 💖