Learning to Father Myself
In my 18 years working with therapists, I have prioritized healing from my maternal relationship. At the start of quarantine, I felt I had the progress and bandwidth—mental and emotional—to focus on healing my relationship with my father. Once I made this decision, the keys presented themselves to unlock my daddy issues, putting them in my mental dashboard so I could see them and address them.
My Paternal Blueprint
The first key revealed itself in conversation with my therapist. For years, I believed there was nothing to heal there because my father was never present enough to register for me as something that affected my life. I met him in person only once when I was 5 or 6. We went fishing with my paternal grandfather. I spoke with him again at 15 in one call where I, unknowingly at the time, was introduced to negging. And we had a handful of conversations when I was 23.
Negging (derived from the verb neg, meaning “negative feedback”) is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need for the manipulator’s approval.
Without knowing him personally, somehow, he still became the blueprint for what I would magnetize and where I would feel most familiar. This was an enlightening connection.
Blueprint Importance
I shared with a guy friend of mine, of 18 years, that I was working on healing my daddy issues so the pain would no longer direct my life’s operating system. His father was also wounded, so I knew I was safe in sharing this personal project with him.
He was genuinely delighted to hear it and offered a personal story. He shared that he sat next to a guy on a flight who struck up a conversation with him. My friend, a very present and loving father, mentioned his daughter to the man. The guy affirmed the importance of a father in a girl’s life. He added that he asks early in conversation with a young lady or woman about her relationship with her father, and added that if the relationship is rocky or nonexistent, he moves forward because, in his words, with low self-esteem, they’re easy prey.
Yikes on bikes, right?! 😳
A New Draft
In recent years, I became quite clear of the attributes of a father and man I did not feel I deserved. Come through clarity and newly-formed self-esteem! 💁🏽♀️✨
But until I became clear on what I did want for a father, I was never going to accomplish what friendships and EMDR helped me accomplish in reframing my view of what an ideal mother looks like. I needed some help to reprogram my embedded belief of what an ideal father and man looks and feels like.
Crowdsourcing Characteristics
I started brainstorming with friends on where to begin. Interestingly, I learned I was in alignment with a couple of women on a similar journey to breaking the paternal pattern that has shaped their views about themselves as well as the trajectory of their personal and professional relationships with men.
After much discussion, we came up with the following characteristics we imagined our ideal fathers would possess:
He has respect for himself.
He models protection and security.
He is generous with adoration and compliments.
Identifying Model Men
The list is helpful, but simply stating something has no legs without a model. So I opened my eyes and ears for examples that would help me believe the list is realistic.
I combed my brain very slowly and thoroughly to see if I could identify existing examples of a good father or the makings of a man who modeled the three characteristics in his exchanges with me. This was a new exercise, so it took a minute.
Dr. A: My former chiropractor came to mind. I learned so much about my body from his work and the education he offered. He also took notes when I shared health findings and tried out at least one supplement I recommended. It was always a safe and supportive collaborative effort when I scheduled a visit. The most meaningful memory I have is his response to my negative self-talk. Anytime I said something disparaging about my body, he would walk out of the room. He returned and said he would not stand for it or with me if I talked badly about myself. This helped me to be more gentle with myself. He and his partner have one child he loves so dearly.
Dr. B: A decade ago, I was fortunate to get to know one of the kindest and humble men thanks to my past life as a social butterfly. Overall, he’s a private guy but he has been open with me about his life and family, modeling safety for me to open up about my family dynamics. I moved in the first week of the pandemic. Intuitively, he emailed me the day I relocated to his neighborhood, inviting me out for a safe-distanced walk where he not only introduced me to my new neighborhood but he also introduced me to my neighbors. He and his partner don’t have children but they care deeply for so many people in their lives, including me.
Dr. C: I was surprised to identify a mentor of mine of 12 years. When his name came to mind, I checked emails I have saved from him over the years. He starts almost each message by celebrating me and telling me how proud he is of me. He never gets into the weeds of life during my major transitions. What he does is he asks impactful questions that lead to a paradigm shift. My answers lead to either more questions or the smallest smile, a nod, and the introduction of a new topic. Over the years, he has armed me with advice that has shaped my life in meaningful ways, allowing me to pay it forward when sharing his counsel. He is a wonderful father of two young men and a committed husband.
J: My closest friend’s husband of 20 years has also been a standout guy. He has given me great advice when identifying green light traits as well as bright red flags when it comes to dating. The best advice he has shared—when I was at their house, probably when I was talking about The Gift of Fear or Entitled—was that predators pursue people who won’t be missed. What a safety tip of a lifetime and a signal from a safe man to a female human to take up more space and to live out loud! He is a loving father to the sweetest and smartest little girl.
Next, I went to the internets for examples.
Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen: Both men connected to create a podcast titled Renegades - Born in the USA. I was introduced to this podcast by a dear guy friend I met during the Texas Winter Storm Uri earlier this year. He introduced me to the podcast—specifically two episodes on fatherhood. The first is titled Relationships with Our Father’s and Masculinity. The next titled Fatherhood, where they talk about their experiences as fathers. It is a wonderful podcast.
Rob Kenney: The YouTube channel “Dad, How do I?” is a wonderful resource developed for people without fathers, developed by father of two Rob Kenney. Personally, I grew up with zero life skills. ha! I entered adulthood with no idea how to change a tire, cook a meal, or protect myself. Rob’s father left his family when he was 14, and in adulthood he decided to create a channel for individuals to learn what children with active fathers are taught.
DJ D Nice: Similar to the synchronistic timing of Dr. B emailing me on the day I relocated, my closest friend contacted me in every way but a carrier pigeon 😅on the day of my move to make sure I joined an Instagram Live party hosted by and featuring DJ D Nice. She texted, called, invited me on the social media platform to join the Live. 🥰 And thankfully so, because I needed to know about this man.
I was hooked. He acknowledged people BY NAME, while he was playing. Over and over, I heard him tell people who joined his DJ sets that he loved them. The people who joined didn’t say it first. DJ D Nice offered his expression of love first and frequently. Never in my life have I witnessed anything like it. I joined his west coast sets—foregoing sleep to hear him tell people he loved them.
Months later, his two girls would fly to stay with him. Seeing him invite his girls into his life and work and community was just mind-blowing and so heart expanding for me.
Kier Gaines and Karega Bailey: (Join at 3:45) This was a very healing call I stumbled upon one day. It was an absolutely beautiful conversation with two Black fathers of baby girls.
Tommy Oliver: I learned about Karega Bailey from watching Black Love. Watching the Black Love co-founder and his love for his wife and three baby boys could easily melt a cold heart. So sweet!
Two of my friends and I started exchanging examples of what a great dad looks like on IG:
Adoration and compliments in action… also this and this.
Beyond #girldad
A theme I have taken with me from the start of this healing process is a reminder that parents are people. They are not gods. They are not perfect, because perfection is a myth. My biological father is just a man. And now as a fully formed adult, I can visualize my ideal. If your father was negligent, violent, or missing a critical component to shoring up your confidence or well being, I encourage you to gain clarity on what you would have loved to experience as a child. Hopefully what I’ve shared here helps in your healing path.