Safe Dating in a Global Pandemic
To be completely transparent, I was a bit critical of people who were talking about dating in the beginning stages of the current COVID-19 / coronavirus pandemic quarantine. From my perspective, spending time alone was a gift and safe. I rejoiced at the fact I wasn’t in an ill-fitted relationship on house arrest until this thing calmed down. With a lifetime of living in silence in close proximity with someone in the house, the quiet that came with mandated isolation this year was more refreshing than the alternative. This year, it has felt like more of a choice.
Now that we are five months into the pandemic (should be) lockdown, I am starting to see things from the perspective of some others. After a long break, and at the encouragement of my therapist, I returned to the Bumble dating app in early June.
Safe in Bumble
The first response from putting myself out there was a lot of interest from bored and eager, albeit lazy, guys. Without regard for their health or mine, and without the introduction of a conversation, I was invited several times to hike, meet for walks, to swim and insert anything else that requires zero investment of effort, creativity or funds.
After gracefully declining these invitations, I shifted my focus back to my self-care practices and personal projects. Once summer semester was coming to a close, I revisited Bumble. I removed the distance filter (because we should all be “safe at home” and “sheltering in place” anyway and open to traveling for love), paid for a one-week subscription to see who cleared the initial screen, and I matched with 11 guys.
I was pleased with some updates made in the app since the last time I was on. Bumble has introduced multiple features that address safety, including in-app options to: initiate a video call or audio call and to send video or audio messages in addition to text messages.
Before when dating online, I shared my phone number to connect in a video call before making plans to meet in person. This greatly reduces the likelihood of being catfished. I later downloaded the Burner app to create a temporary number since I learned when dating an attorney two years ago, that a lot of information can be collected from a phone number; sometimes, even your home address. You don’t want your phone number or address in the hands of the wrong person.
The new features in Bumble allow multiple ways to connect, providing insights into how comfortable someone is with communicating and their preferred formats for doing so. One of my matches applied them all and quickly rose to the top.
Incentive to Talk
Toward the end of the first week of chatting and calls, he asked if I was available to connect virtually that weekend. I accepted and proposed Netflix Party (NP), knowing very little about the app, in response to his recommendation to check out one of his favorite comedians on the platform. He was game and began to look into it. At the time and date we chose, he shared the NP link to start the virtual date.
In NP, I was surprised there was only a chat feature to the right of the screen. For some reason, I imagined seeing the show or movie and having a side screen to see the face of the other person watching. In hindsight, it ended up being better than I imagined. The primary reason I love it is it forces both parties to use our words or else there’s radio silence. You can view efforts made, plainly and in real time. And if there’s radio silence, it is made evident that it could be more fun and less required coordination to simply watch alone.
Watching a show with someone displays the cadence of their communication, their humor and ability to stay present and engage. It has also acted as a conversation prompt to ask thoughtful questions to get to know the other person. NYTimes and We’re Not Really Strangers offers more options to learn more about your match. Netflix Party dates offers a window into the types of content they’re into or signs they pickup on. It’s an excellent display of their written interpersonal communication skills; also, their ability to spell with speed.
The one guy I have met in this way is also a fan of dating shows. He’s been divorced the same amount of time I have and also coupled-up really young. So we are both learning how to navigate the dating landscape with more tools. We watched one comedy special and all five episodes of Love on the Spectrum. All Netflix nights were prompted by him. Yesterday, I asked what his dating show intro would be. Quickly, he whipped up a very well-written and witty response. I did the same. It was mad cute. I have no idea how long this guy will last but I’m enjoying the virtual connection for now.
I stumbled upon these two adorable reviews of NP during quarantine on Reddit:
Another date idea we’ve talked about is something I’ve enjoyed with girlfriends during isolation, cooking the same meal over video chat. Joining an online fitness class is another option that’s been discussed. [09/12/20 Update: We’ve baked over video chat and joined a yoga zoom with my gym. I highly recommend doing both!]
What are some ways you’re staying safe while getting to know someone new?
The Washington Post and NYTimes have some great tips: