Dating: Learning to Read Signs

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In my adult life, I’ve only been single for 20 months; this is after an almost 17 year relationship that began when I was 18. Needless to say, I am learning a lot as a single woman navigating the world. There are now dating apps, an extreme cultural aversion to phone calls and in person interaction beyond transaction, multiple terms for abusive and generally poor communication, and I’ve aged out of social scenes familiar to me two decades ago. 

I’ve been leaning on the counsel of friends, singles and second-time married couples. I’ve shared screenshots of confusing text messages for clarification and a number of stories about my calls and dates. I’ve gained lots of insights in this time and now believe, in dating, there are no rules. There are only standards.

Tonight, Netflix recommended He’s Just Not That Into You. And the message at the end of the movie beautifully and concisely sums up the lessons I’ve learned:

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending, we don’t learn how to read the signs, how to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe...It’s You, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just...moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.”

I love this. And it rings so true. 

In the first two and a half months of being single, I went out with far more guys than I would have predicted. In each exchange, I learned a little bit more. I got more comfortable being in close quarters with a guy I didn’t know. I held the intention to keep my heart open and to open it a bit more in time. This may be viewed as a rookie mistake by some, but I have no regrets. 

A closed heart only attracts other closed hearts. A closed heart can’t see or react to true connection when it presents itself. An open heart offers more promise. And when broken, it only cracks open more when healed. A broken heart can heal. 

Due to a combination of my open heart and default of denial, I misread a lot of signs in the beginning. 

Take One:   The first guy I spent time with after reentering the free world was a long-time friend. He was dear to me, someone I confided in for over a decade. He offered lots of dating advice including the gem: “Be cautious of who you attract when you’re wounded.” This advice would be caution I did not heed before allowing him into a new chamber of my heart. 

Signs I missed included the fact he never really had positive things to say about women. As far as I recall, he rarely owned his role in relationships that ended. I would learn, in a short window of time, how aligned he was with the type of guy I attracted, including the wide age gap and insistence on his reality being far more accurate than mine (gaslighting, so much). 

Benefits of our bond included him calling me out about my discomfort with hugs and my lack of trust being that physically close to a man. This helped heighten my consciousness around my lack of experience with physical affection. His advice to be cautious about my emotional stability when attracting suitors, and his behavior in the end, inspired me to pull all the way back from dating for the last year to heal my wounds before making myself available once again. And now I’m far more aware of emotional availability and red flags with respect to women. 

Take Two:   I matched with a guy on one app. After noticing a glitch in the hour, I deleted that app and downloaded another. I matched with the guy again immediately on the other app. Twice, on two apps, in 24 hours. A sign! Right? 

After knowing him for 18 months, I clarified that he, like any other relationship I initiate or allow, was in my life to teach me something and less intended to stay around forever. We had such inconsistent interaction over this time, but there were so many undeniable synchronicities that kept bringing us back together. In the last act, chance would reunite us walking on the same street in my city. It was my opportunity to say goodbye. I knew it was the end.

I missed the signs that he was all play, had porous boundaries, and made more effort to be interesting than interested. He didn’t ask questions about me. I was exposed to spontaneity, something I wanted. He helped me, over time, loosen up around my schedule and plans. Fun without substance or consistency eventually got old as I grew up. I fell into “wife-mode” very quickly. It then became clear how codependent I’ve been throughout my life. This awareness is leading to profound healing. 

Take Three:   The person I interacted with the second longest period of time, I also met him within 24 hours of joining a new dating app. He ghosted me after about two months. This came after very consistent communication by phone, text and video chat, often at his prompt. I learned on our first date that he never felt loved by his mom. Although he was the most successful of his siblings, he was always in the pursuit of proving his worth to her to little fanfare. He pursued his profession to please her, to obtain security to afford a wife and children, and he hates his job. He always did what he was supposed to do.

After it became clear I was ghosted, an article popped up on social media about lovebombing. I went down the rabbit hole researching this term and realized this was the theme of my relationships. An insecure and emotionally unavailable person seeks to identify the insecurities of a “love” interest. Once confirmed, the insecurities are exploited to establish interest and hook the other’s heart. When the lovebomber knows the other person is hooked, they maintain effort until they get whatever it is they want—money, sex, control. And once the goal is obtained, the lovebombed is discarded or the effort simply ends until the lovebombed gets some self-worth and moves on. 

The missed signs were his response to his mom’s neglect, the message shared by his fear-based life choices, and very over the top complimentary texts early on. Learning about lovebombing through him and experiencing the shock of being ghosted have been powerful lessons. In our time together, I was inspired to experience a man who communicated so consistently and clearly and didn’t run the math on dinner while dining out. Albeit short lived, I’m still grateful to know these traits exist. Closing the door on my chapter with him helped me return to myself—a huge gift from an effective teacher. 

I am learning my discernment is stronger than it was 20 months ago. It’s stronger than it was one month ago, to be honest. Now that I’ve gained some clarity on reading signs, I plan to continue sharpening this muscle. I’m curious to observe my responses to signs moving forward. And I’m extremely grateful for all of the women I’m meeting and growing closer to over this time who have shared their own stories of misread (or ignored) signs. The more we share, the more effective we can all become at avoiding misaligned, distracting, and painful romantic experiences.

People always tell us who they are early on. It’s up to us to listen, believe them, and refrain from plugging them into a manufactured storyline they know nothing about. In the absence of a match being made, enjoy and make the most of your solo time. This is the sweet spot.

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