Divorce: Where to Begin to Avoid Financial Pitfalls

Four years ago today, I embarked on a journey toward my independence without a roadmap or a clue how life would look on the other side. I partnered at the age of 18 and moved in two weeks after my 19th birthday. I would stay until it was clear I had outgrown the unspoken contract I signed up for 17 years earlier.

Divorce was not my intent. I honestly could not even say the word for at least a month after I filed. Initially, separation was my ask. I quickly learned that I would have benefitted from not saying either word—separation or divorce—aloud until I had a clear exit strategy with retained legal counsel. I learned quite a few other things in my experience of filing for a divorce that I will share here to hopefully spare smart women from making common mistakes. 

First, consider legal counsel as insurance and not an immediate scorched earth approach. Treat the partnership with your divorce attorney as you would one with a therapist. It is someone who has seen many scenarios play out over time. It is beneficial to have professional insights whether or not you believe the end of your marriage will be amicable or not. Because the truth is that you will not be clear about the character of the person you married until you attempt to leave them. 

Once my divorce was finalized, a wise older woman in my community told me: “If you want to know the person you married, divorce them and find out.”

Most importantly—if you decide to read nothing else—if you are a woman leaving a man, HIRE A WOMAN ATTORNEY. I didn’t, and here’s the deal. If you’re leaving someone you were convinced was your life partner and it turns out they are not that for you, your picker is likely off. Your male attorney may approach your relationship as though you are his partner deciding to leave him. There is a possibility that if you choose a male attorney, your experience may be similar to Charlotte’s on Sex in the City, Season 5, Episode 6. Charlotte’s attorney did nothing of note to advocate on her behalf. But thankfully Charlotte learned in the end that she married a giver who granted her the one thing she asked for—a place to live.

It doesn’t always turn out that way. Did you know that funds can legally be transferred or cleared out of accounts before retaining legal counsel? If you share passwords for financial accounts—which I highly do not recommend, beyond one shared checking account dedicated to paying shared bills—legally, money can be transferred from or cleared out of shared accounts. The act is considered mutually consented. Search the phrase “divorce clearing out accounts” for more information. 

This is important data to keep in mind in the case you receive a life insurance payout. Say for instance one of your parents dies. If your partner believes they are entitled to these funds for any reason and convinces you to transfer the funds into a shared account, it becomes community money. Your soon to be former partner can quickly purchase large ticket items like a car—or anything really—with the commingled funds, again, before you retain legal representation.

What is not considered as community money is travel points. If travel planning is your marital responsibility and you share credit cards, associated with points, that are primarily in your name, I recommend immediately removing your partner from those cards. Once this is done, you are legally allowed to exclusively retain the points. 

It would also be wise to remove yourself as an authorized user from shared credit cards. This is not as simple if you are joint account holders. In that case, closing accounts is likely best; however, this is another area that would benefit from legal counsel to remove yourself in a way that does not lead to lasting damages.

If your divorce is not amicable, untangling finances can be an extremely emotional and unsettling experience. Most of the women I know who have taken the action to leave their partners, decide to leave with zero assets—independently or in mediation—guided by the north star mantra: This is the cost of freedom. 

While on the topic of finances, I’ve consolidated some surprises I experienced and some experienced by friends who decided to pursue their own independence. 

In hindsight, I have realized that often—not always—someone may seek a partner to be one or more of four things: a nurse or a purse; a (sole) cheerleader or a breeder.

To explore if you were unknowingly chosen for your ability to be a purse, I recommend checking a few things:

• Life insurance policies. Is the amount of your policy multiple times larger than theirs? Take for example that your policy pays your partner $200,000 upon your death and theirs is set up to pay you $50,000 if they unexpectedly die. 

• Taxes. Have you withheld the max amount for the length of your partnership and your partner has withheld the least amount?

• Business incorporation documents. Have you been paying annual taxes for a business you were never listed as a partner?

• Mortgage Title. Are you listed as an owner for your primary or investment properties or have you trusted you were included on the documents only to learn assets were only listed in your partner’s name? 

It may also be beneficial to hire a forensic accountant. Where there is smoke, there is likely fire in terms of financial indiscretion. Hiring a forensic accountant may identify secret accounts your partner might have kept during your marriage. Something like this can be easily missed if your partner opted for paperless updates or if there was a secret post office box.

This may be overwhelming. Hopefully you don’t have to deal with any of it, but it is prudent to be prepared.

The Upside of Divorce

Four years ago today, I embarked on the greatest act of self-care of my adult life. I filed to divorce my partner of 17 years. In doing so, I continued a journey back to myself that would help me redefine love and to learn my worth. I knew then, and still believe now, that taking this step was the most loving act I could make for both of us—to set us free from a relationship that had run its course and reached its expiration. 

It was one of the scariest decisions I’ve ever made. It was also one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. By partnering at 18, I had no idea if I was capable of living alone, paying bills without another income, or to dream up a bigger life. It was truly a blind leap that was made possible by so many who shined a light on my path toward independence. I was so fearful of what I would lose, and learned within months that the result of leaving would be all gain.

I can’t imagine anyone marries someone with the intention of leaving one day. While sometimes people are able to grow together, some grow apart. And in some partnerships, one partner outgrows the other. Leaving a relationship can be a lonely experience. You might ask yourself: Will I have anyone when I leave? What will people think? Will anyone have compassion for me after I genuinely believed my relationship was #goals? What if I leave and I’m single forever? 

For that last question, a woman in my community shared the insight that, at a certain age, you don’t leave a marriage because you believe there are better prospects. You leave because you know in your heart that you are better off alone. You are your own better prospect.

You can do this. 

Figuring out if leaving is something you can do or working out how to do it can be emotionally overwhelming. Because this is the way my mind works, I created a Trello board (free online project management software) to manage my exit process. This allowed me to order my steps and to focus on one thing at a time. Know that you have the strength and the means to start over—whether it’s setting up health insurance or a new mobile plan. I walked away from most of my financial assets and was somehow able to bounce back stronger.

My health insurance was free, at one point, during my transition. And my phone plan went from $113/month to $22/month when I transferred to a mobile virtual network operator (MVNO).

Learn to ask for help. 

One of the first gifts of my divorce was learning to ask for help. By getting clear about my support team, I was able to develop the practice of talking about uncomfortable truths as they were unfolding. This didn’t happen overnight. My training wheels for sharing more of my life and feelings in real time was making a playlist public. While I left in 2018, I realized I started building my breakup list in early 2016—around the time of my mom’s passing. The summer of 2017, I made the list public for friends to see what I was listening to—and therefore feeling—in real time as an SOS.

As I began asking for help, the MVPs that showed up for me in notable ways included:

• women friends who came to my house or invited me to their homes to show me simple meals I could make for myself to ensure I was feeding myself; This is often the first thing to go when I’m stressed

• women friends, across the U.S., who invited me and demanded I visit for a change of scenery and a place to rest

• women and men, friends and family, who contacted me daily; I received 4-7 calls and texts a day to check on me until I received my decree, months later

• a professional organizer who held my hand as I detached passwords from a shared storage account and updated my digitally stored passwords

• a professional organizer who orchestrated selling items I wanted gone for a small fee

• a developer friend who offered guidance for me to move ownership of my domains to a new host and

• a graphic designer who offered guidance and encouragement for me to transfer my web content to the new host location.

Know you are loved and cared for.

My therapist was a source of support as she listened for what I wasn’t saying and shared what I needed to hear. In my last session before I filed, she introduced me to the story of the boiling frog as well as Mary Oliver’s The Journey, and I just sobbed.

Besides my reaction to what my therapist shared, an additional data point that made it clear that it was time to move on was my favorites list on my phone. There were four people, and my partner was not on the list. I looked at who I comfortably called with good news and not so good news on any given day. From there, I created a checklist in Trello of who I would call with the update that this was happening. From this list, I asked two friends if they would be my new emergency contacts. 

Develop a practice of radical self-love.

When I worked through my list of support with each text and call, I gained wonderful clarity and practice in raising my voice to live in truth. It was a terrifying and extremely liberating experience to begin voicing the truth of my life. And it was so comforting to have women who embarked on this path before me as they completed my sentences, assured me that I was deeply loved by them, and simplified the process with bite-sized advice including: 

• buy yourself fresh flowers once a week

• change your bedding

• decouple digital assets

• deactivate shared GPS

• and other seeds for self-love.

I also created a playlist titled Love Myself to guide the way. Of all of my playlists, this one was on the struggle bus until last year. So many women, and men, in my life have helped to contribute to this list over the years. I believe my forgiveness for what was revealed in my exit was necessary in order for this list to grow. This honestly happened between last October and this month.

Get clear on what you want for your life. 

Another benefit of this process was getting clear on what I wanted. What’s funny is, for years, I hosted an annual goal-setting meetup at my house that I called the “What I Want” party. After I expressed the plan to leave my husband, I encountered this question from every angle—”What do you want, Christine?” I had no idea, besides “out”. But with the frequency I was asked this question, it was time to think seriously about the intentions I wanted to hold in the next chapter of my life.

I created a Google Doc to document my wants. Categories included what I wanted in: 

• my personal life

• my friendships

• my divorce

• work

• love

I partnered with my therapist and friends to begin filling in this list. Once I had some support at the start, I was off to the races with dreaming up a new life. This list provided an anchor for me to stay present when it was all too easy to get wound up in the lows of leaving. Where I’m standing now, it is clear that when you prioritize yourself and your own needs, life gets good.

There is life after divorce. 

Divorce is not for the faint of heart. If you took your marriage seriously, divorce is death. Death of your dreams with the other person. Death of who you used to be and who you thought you were. Potentially a death of who you believed you were married to. It can be insanely shocking and incredibly sad. 

Divorce is also an empowering path of the most courageous who imagine more for themselves. Freedom is more. Independence is more. Each loss is an opportunity to reset and level up. The ending that is divorce makes space for unbound joy and the celebration of your life. You’ve got this.

“The Universe favors the brave. 
When you resolve to lift your life to its highest level, the strength of your soul will guide you to a magical place with magnificent treasures.”

— Robin Sharma

Choosing Truth Over Familiarity

Today marks the two-year anniversary of the moment I knew it was time to call time of death on my marriage. It was less than one week after a post I wrote was published on xonecole, and days after returning from vacation in California. 

While in California, we were both super pleased that the post was selected and shared. However, he was surprisingly more excited than me and more than ever before. This was curious to me. 

I was featured in nationally circulated VenusZine, received a wide spread in the Austin American-Statesman’s Glossy section. I was hired to be featured in a video for the City of New Orleans. All of this happened a decade ago, in 2009. The results of those features were less than well received at home, to the point I retreated from public life in an extreme manner to restore connection.

But the response to this article seemed extreme. While disconnected on what should have been—and appeared on social media to be—a beautiful vacation, he was hyper-focused on the hits received by this article. 

“The post is up to X likes now! There’s been X reshares! Look at that engagement!”

For years, I was strongly urged to pull away from social media; that it was a distraction from me making a more impactful contribution to the household income and the world. And here I was witnessing the oddest obsession for something I did online, for the first time in being together for 16 years and married for 10. It was very confusing. 

And then it hit me. This post, titled “We Skipped a Big Wedding to Buy Our Dream Home”, publicly validated our marriage and him, as a partner. I elevated a decade of my social media posts to a widely distributed media channel with a readership of discerning women. This was the difference.

The less highlighted theme of the article was the lack of celebration in our partnership. I was informed early on by my now ex, “I don’t do birthdays and I don’t celebrate holidays.” If I wanted to be celebrated, I would have to orchestrate the occasion myself. And I did, even with the destination wedding, the elopement.

After the vacation, we returned home to our norm, disconnection. But this time it was more extreme. And I was forced to wake up from the dream I concocted long ago. It became clear we were no longer in alignment. I realized we were pretty on social media, because it’s the only way we were allowed to be online. When things weren’t pretty, as the cheerleader of him and of our partnership, I went silent. When they were presentable, I was genuinely thrilled and held onto the frame with both hands, willing to share it for my own memory and for the world to know we were still alive (and well?). 

With what I witnessed following the article being published, I got a sudden hit that our “bond” was an arrangement tolerated for show; to appear pretty on the outside despite the distance that was our reality at home. It all of a sudden read as fake to me, and I couldn’t return to my denial once I snapped out of the spell. I don’t do fake.

But but, her social media posts…

A decade ago, after receiving media attention I didn’t request, I pulled way back unless I was promoting my partner or positivity in our marriage. I prepared and distributed an annual newsletter. Most of my social media posts included endless mentions of “we” in the stark absence of “I”. For love, I abandoned myself. This was clear when I cleaned my social posts after deciding we were done. So much “we”.  

For a moment, the image I projected, in true belief of the story, almost prevented me from leaving. What would other people think? Would they believe anything I said? Would I lose any members of my community for leaving him? The idea of receiving the judgment I projected onto others over the years in response to witnessed “failed” marriages and relationships almost paralyzed me. 

Divorce is a humbling experience. It’s also an incredibly enlightening experience. 

“The lies we tell others are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.”

In the pursuit of truth…

So much denial and fear of the unknown was revealed in the process of divorcing my husband. I was able to more clearly see myself and my contribution to the smoke and mirrors that was my marriage in the last eight years. I was able to see my ex outside the storyline I created for him. I was shocked into reality. 

I describe divorce as the experience of a death. I’ve never lost someone close to me. In the experience of divorce, I felt the death of: who I knew myself to be, how I deeply desired my partner to show up, the image of my husband, the death of my youth (18-35), the future I planned, and the story I manufactured with my default of denial and fear. It was all dying and all at once. It was extremely painful. 

Truth, when you’ve been raised and programmed from a very young age to make chaos look like perfection, is extremely painful and terrifying and feels unnatural. I’m two-years into the free world, and I experienced my first marriage-related panic attack in a year and a half two days ago. Denial and repression run deep. But I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. 

On the flipside, the contrast of who needed to stay in my life and who needed to go could not have been more clear. I could almost cut a line down the center of my address book. After mentioning I was done, I received calls (not including texts) from 4-7 people each day until my divorce was finalized five months later. 

My current relationships reflect the closest thing I’ve experienced to truth and love. They are supportive and healing. They are a reflection of the person I’ve become. They are full of gratitude, reciprocity and compassion on both ends. If I continued to hold onto my marriage with a death grip, I would not have had the opportunity to grow in love with people who want to be with me. I have lost nothing since my divorce but 15 lbs. It has been all gain.

I’ve been able to see how capable I am of thriving solo. A friend shared, “Women of a certain age don’t leave their longtime partners for another man. We leave because we know we can do better all by ourselves.”

Let freedom ring…

Any day of my life, I choose truth over familiarity. Any.Day.Of.My.Life. Because I now know that it stings for a moment, but it releases patterns never to return again. The pain makes it real. It makes the lesson stick. It cracks open consciousness so that it’s easier to surrender to truth and release the reigns of denial along with anyone who models anything that in any way resembles toxic codependent bonds from your past. 

Truth is an incredible gift. Divorce is a gift. It’s freedom.