The Upside of Divorce
Four years ago today, I embarked on the greatest act of self-care of my adult life. I filed to divorce my partner of 17 years. In doing so, I continued a journey back to myself that would help me redefine love and to learn my worth. I knew then, and still believe now, that taking this step was the most loving act I could make for both of us—to set us free from a relationship that had run its course and reached its expiration.
It was one of the scariest decisions I’ve ever made. It was also one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. By partnering at 18, I had no idea if I was capable of living alone, paying bills without another income, or to dream up a bigger life. It was truly a blind leap that was made possible by so many who shined a light on my path toward independence. I was so fearful of what I would lose, and learned within months that the result of leaving would be all gain.
I can’t imagine anyone marries someone with the intention of leaving one day. While sometimes people are able to grow together, some grow apart. And in some partnerships, one partner outgrows the other. Leaving a relationship can be a lonely experience. You might ask yourself: Will I have anyone when I leave? What will people think? Will anyone have compassion for me after I genuinely believed my relationship was #goals? What if I leave and I’m single forever?
For that last question, a woman in my community shared the insight that, at a certain age, you don’t leave a marriage because you believe there are better prospects. You leave because you know in your heart that you are better off alone. You are your own better prospect.
You can do this.
Figuring out if leaving is something you can do or working out how to do it can be emotionally overwhelming. Because this is the way my mind works, I created a Trello board (free online project management software) to manage my exit process. This allowed me to order my steps and to focus on one thing at a time. Know that you have the strength and the means to start over—whether it’s setting up health insurance or a new mobile plan. I walked away from most of my financial assets and was somehow able to bounce back stronger.
My health insurance was free, at one point, during my transition. And my phone plan went from $113/month to $22/month when I transferred to a mobile virtual network operator (MVNO).
Learn to ask for help.
One of the first gifts of my divorce was learning to ask for help. By getting clear about my support team, I was able to develop the practice of talking about uncomfortable truths as they were unfolding. This didn’t happen overnight. My training wheels for sharing more of my life and feelings in real time was making a playlist public. While I left in 2018, I realized I started building my breakup list in early 2016—around the time of my mom’s passing. The summer of 2017, I made the list public for friends to see what I was listening to—and therefore feeling—in real time as an SOS.
As I began asking for help, the MVPs that showed up for me in notable ways included:
women friends who came to my house or invited me to their homes to show me simple meals I could make for myself to ensure I was feeding myself; This is often the first thing to go when I’m stressed
women friends, across the U.S., who invited me and demanded I visit for a change of scenery and a place to rest
women and men, friends and family, who contacted me daily; I received 4-7 calls and texts a day to check on me until I received my decree, months later
a professional organizer who held my hand as I detached passwords from a shared storage account and updated my digitally stored passwords
a professional organizer who orchestrated selling items I wanted gone for a small fee
a developer friend who offered guidance for me to move ownership of my domains to a new host and
a graphic designer who offered guidance and encouragement for me to transfer my web content to the new host location.
Know you are loved and cared for.
My therapist was a source of support as she listened for what I wasn’t saying and shared what I needed to hear. In my last session before I filed, she introduced me to the story of the boiling frog as well as Mary Oliver’s The Journey, and I just sobbed.
Besides my reaction to what my therapist shared, an additional data point that made it clear that it was time to move on was my favorites list on my phone. There were four people, and my partner was not on the list. I looked at who I comfortably called with good news and not so good news on any given day. From there, I created a checklist in Trello of who I would call with the update that this was happening. From this list, I asked two friends if they would be my new emergency contacts.
Develop a practice of radical self-love.
When I worked through my list of support with each text and call, I gained wonderful clarity and practice in raising my voice to live in truth. It was a terrifying and extremely liberating experience to begin voicing the truth of my life. And it was so comforting to have women who embarked on this path before me as they completed my sentences, assured me that I was deeply loved by them, and simplified the process with bite-sized advice including:
buy yourself fresh flowers once a week
change your bedding
decouple digital assets
deactivate shared GPS
and other seeds for self-love.
I also created a playlist titled Love Myself to guide the way. Of all of my playlists, this one was on the struggle bus until last year. So many women, and men, in my life have helped to contribute to this list over the years. I believe my forgiveness for what was revealed in my exit was necessary in order for this list to grow. This honestly happened between last October and this month.
Get clear on what you want for your life.
Another benefit of this process was getting clear on what I wanted. What’s funny is, for years, I hosted an annual goal-setting meetup at my house that I called the “What I Want” party. After I expressed the plan to leave my husband, I encountered this question from every angle—”What do you want, Christine?” I had no idea, besides “out”. But with the frequency I was asked this question, it was time to think seriously about the intentions I wanted to hold in the next chapter of my life.
I created a Google Doc to document my wants. Categories included what I wanted in:
my personal life
my friendships
my divorce
work
love
I partnered with my therapist and friends to begin filling in this list. Once I had some support at the start, I was off to the races with dreaming up a new life. This list provided an anchor for me to stay present when it was all too easy to get wound up in the lows of leaving. Where I’m standing now, it is clear that when you prioritize yourself and your own needs, life gets good.
There is life after divorce.
Divorce is not for the faint of heart. If you took your marriage seriously, divorce is death. Death of your dreams with the other person. Death of who you used to be and who you thought you were. Potentially a death of who you believed you were married to. It can be insanely shocking and incredibly sad.
Divorce is also an empowering path of the most courageous who imagine more for themselves. Freedom is more. Independence is more. Each loss is an opportunity to reset and level up. The ending that is divorce makes space for unbound joy and the celebration of your life. You’ve got this.
“The Universe favors the brave.
When you resolve to lift your life to its highest level, the strength of your soul will guide you to a magical place with magnificent treasures.”
