Learning to Father Myself

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In my 18 years working with therapists, I have prioritized healing from my maternal relationship. At the start of quarantine, I felt I had the progress and bandwidth—mental and emotional—to focus on healing my relationship with my father. Once I made this decision, the keys presented themselves to unlock my daddy issues, putting them in my mental dashboard so I could see them and address them.

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My Paternal Blueprint

The first key revealed itself in conversation with my therapist. For years, I believed there was nothing to heal there because my father was never present enough to register for me as something that affected my life. I met him in person only once when I was 5 or 6. We went fishing with my paternal grandfather. I spoke with him again at 15 in one call where I, unknowingly at the time, was introduced to negging. And we had a handful of conversations when I was 23.

Negging (derived from the verb neg, meaning “negative feedback”) is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need for the manipulator’s approval.

Without knowing him personally, somehow, he still became the blueprint for what I would magnetize and where I would feel most familiar. This was an enlightening connection.

Blueprint Importance

I shared with a guy friend of mine, of 18 years, that I was working on healing my daddy issues so the pain would no longer direct my life’s operating system. His father was also wounded, so I knew I was safe in sharing this personal project with him. 

He was genuinely delighted to hear it and offered a personal story. He shared that he sat next to a guy on a flight who struck up a conversation with him. My friend, a very present and loving father, mentioned his daughter to the man. The guy affirmed the importance of a father in a girl’s life. He added that he asks early in conversation with a young lady or woman about her relationship with her father, and added that if the relationship is rocky or nonexistent, he moves forward because, in his words, with low self-esteem, they’re easy prey.

Yikes on bikes, right?! 😳

A New Draft

In recent years, I became quite clear of the attributes of a father and man I did not feel I deserved. Come through clarity and newly-formed self-esteem! 💁🏽‍♀️✨

But until I became clear on what I did want for a father, I was never going to accomplish what friendships and EMDR helped me accomplish in reframing my view of what an ideal mother looks like. I needed some help to reprogram my embedded belief of what an ideal father and man looks and feels like. 

Crowdsourcing Characteristics

I started brainstorming with friends on where to begin. Interestingly, I learned I was in alignment with a couple of women on a similar journey to breaking the paternal pattern that has shaped their views about themselves as well as the trajectory of their personal and professional relationships with men.

After much discussion, we came up with the following characteristics we imagined our ideal fathers would possess:

  1. He has respect for himself.

  2. He models protection and security.

  3. He is generous with adoration and compliments.

Identifying Model Men

The list is helpful, but simply stating something has no legs without a model. So I opened my eyes and ears for examples that would help me believe the list is realistic.

I combed my brain very slowly and thoroughly to see if I could identify existing examples of a good father or the makings of a man who modeled the three characteristics in his exchanges with me. This was a new exercise, so it took a minute. 

Dr. A: My former chiropractor came to mind. I learned so much about my body from his work and the education he offered. He also took notes when I shared health findings and tried out at least one supplement I recommended. It was always a safe and supportive collaborative effort when I scheduled a visit. The most meaningful memory I have is his response to my negative self-talk. Anytime I said something disparaging about my body, he would walk out of the room. He returned and said he would not stand for it or with me if I talked badly about myself. This helped me to be more gentle with myself. He and his partner have one child he loves so dearly. 

Dr. B: A decade ago, I was fortunate to get to know one of the kindest and humble men thanks to my past life as a social butterfly. Overall, he’s a private guy but he has been open with me about his life and family, modeling safety for me to open up about my family dynamics. I moved in the first week of the pandemic. Intuitively, he emailed me the day I relocated to his neighborhood, inviting me out for a safe-distanced walk where he not only introduced me to my new neighborhood but he also introduced me to my neighbors. He and his partner don’t have children but they care deeply for so many people in their lives, including me.

Dr. C: I was surprised to identify a mentor of mine of 12 years. When his name came to mind, I checked emails I have saved from him over the years. He starts almost each message by celebrating me and telling me how proud he is of me. He never gets into the weeds of life during my major transitions. What he does is he asks impactful questions that lead to a paradigm shift. My answers lead to either more questions or the smallest smile, a nod, and the introduction of a new topic. Over the years, he has armed me with advice that has shaped my life in meaningful ways, allowing me to pay it forward when sharing his counsel. He is a wonderful father of two young men and a committed husband. 

J: My closest friend’s husband of 20 years has also been a standout guy. He has given me great advice when identifying green light traits as well as bright red flags when it comes to dating. The best advice he has shared—when I was at their house, probably when I was talking about The Gift of Fear or Entitled—was that predators pursue people who won’t be missed. What a safety tip of a lifetime and a signal from a safe man to a female human to take up more space and to live out loud! He is a loving father to the sweetest and smartest little girl. 

Next, I went to the internets for examples. 

Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen: Both men connected to create a podcast titled Renegades - Born in the USA. I was introduced to this podcast by a dear guy friend I met during the Texas Winter Storm Uri earlier this year. He introduced me to the podcast—specifically two episodes on fatherhood. The first is titled Relationships with Our Father’s and Masculinity. The next titled Fatherhood, where they talk about their experiences as fathers. It is a wonderful podcast.

Rob Kenney: The YouTube channel “Dad, How do I?” is a wonderful resource developed for people without fathers, developed by father of two Rob Kenney. Personally, I grew up with zero life skills. ha! I entered adulthood with no idea how to change a tire, cook a meal, or protect myself. Rob’s father left his family when he was 14, and in adulthood he decided to create a channel for individuals to learn what children with active fathers are taught. 

DJ D Nice: Similar to the synchronistic timing of Dr. B emailing me on the day I relocated, my closest friend contacted me in every way but a carrier pigeon 😅on the day of my move to make sure I joined an Instagram Live party hosted by and featuring DJ D Nice. She texted, called, invited me on the social media platform to join the Live. 🥰 And thankfully so, because I needed to know about this man. 

I was hooked. He acknowledged people BY NAME, while he was playing. Over and over, I heard him tell people who joined his DJ sets that he loved them. The people who joined didn’t say it first. DJ D Nice offered his expression of love first and frequently. Never in my life have I witnessed anything like it. I joined his west coast sets—foregoing sleep to hear him tell people he loved them. 

Months later, his two girls would fly to stay with him. Seeing him invite his girls into his life and work and community was just mind-blowing and so heart expanding for me. 

Kier Gaines and Karega Bailey: (Join at 3:45) This was a very healing call I stumbled upon one day. It was an absolutely beautiful conversation with two Black fathers of baby girls. 

Tommy Oliver: I learned about Karega Bailey from watching Black Love. Watching the Black Love co-founder and his love for his wife and three baby boys could easily melt a cold heart. So sweet!

Two of my friends and I started exchanging examples of what a great dad looks like on IG: 

Beyond #girldad

A theme I have taken with me from the start of this healing process is a reminder that parents are people. They are not gods. They are not perfect, because perfection is a myth. My biological father is just a man. And now as a fully formed adult, I can visualize my ideal. If your father was negligent, violent, or missing a critical component to shoring up your confidence or well being, I encourage you to gain clarity on what you would have loved to experience as a child. Hopefully what I’ve shared here helps in your healing path.



Who needs therapy?

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Everyone needs a therapist. 

If you were interested in investing in a company and they told you they didn’t have a team of advisors, you would turn around, keep your coins in your pocket and run if you are wise. We all need help. Every last one of us. And to say you don’t is to be delusional. Support doesn’t always have to take the form of a therapist—there are life coaches, personal trainers, nutritionists, professional organizers and other potential partners you can employ to help you get your life in order. But to think you can manage it all on your own is to take on more work than most human beings can bear.

Who does therapy help? 

Therapy helps everyone, even therapists. When you know better, you do better and you can inspire others in your life. If you have frenemies or wounded family members who thrive on drama and can no longer get a rise out of you, they’ll take note and evolve or move on to their next target. 

Your relationships with coworkers can improve. You’ll have the clarity and motivation to find a healthier employer or develop the bravery to take a chance at entrepreneurship. Your children can have a healthier parent, if you have someone to call when you’re about ready to scream. And you’ll return to them with more strategic tools to grow into functional human beings. If you could benefit from more tools for surviving and thriving, a qualified therapist can introduce you to these tools.

MYTH BUSTERS

I don’t have to hire someone to talk to. I have friends and family for that. 

Correction: Good friends don’t dump on their friends. If you have people you value in your life, don’t lay the heavy stuff on them. Process it with a professional first. It’s the least selfish way of moving in the world. Also, are your friends and family behavioral or mental health professionals? Do they have their own lives in order? Do you really trust them with your life? 

Even if they do appear to have their lives in order, what would be the benefit to them to constantly listen to and / or solve your problems? There is none. In fact, if they are healthy human beings who have their lives in order, they’ll likely have boundaries that will remind you to call a professional. And it’s highly likely they have someone they call when in need. 

Also, no one owes you their time or insights for free. Sure, a benefit of friendship is to have someone to listen to you and someone for you to listen to. However, this doesn’t give a green light for you to have someone in your life who you complain to all the time. If you’re 51% negative, call in professional help. This will ensure you’ll continue to have friends to call, and your friendships will likely become healthier.

I am who I am. I’m too old and set in my ways to change.

I definitely thought people were who they were going to be by the age of 40. My mother-out-law was in her late 60s when she visited a therapist for the first time.This is on the heels of her being open to visiting with my acupuncturist who also does craniosacral therapy. She opened up to all different types of modalities and has since overhauled her diet with positive results! It’s never too late to grow or try new things. As long as you have tools and time, you can continue to heal and evolve.

I’m a strong Black person. I have religion and a church home. I don’t need a therapist. 

Correction: You absolutely could benefit from a professional counselor. Historically, when have Black women had the opportunity, time and space to heal? 

From childhood through adulthood, I went from one toxic environment to the next—at home and work—without being equipped with skills to cope with the fallout of these experiences. I was always running, without a pause to breathe, feel and heal. My over-involvement in church did not save me. In fact, I believe it masked the chaos happening in my personal life. I was highly trained, at a young age, and skilled at making my narcissist family dynamic look like #goals.

I went from a home built on domestic violence to unsafe schools to jobs and a marriage that exacerbated my stress level as I transitioned into adulthood. Without a true break or professional counsel, I was bound to continue on the path from one toxic situation to another. Thankfully, in my early 20s, I started working with a therapist. In my early 30s, I explored new-to-me types of therapies that empowered me with the tools to piece myself back together after some major life events. In many ways, therapy helped me break the cycle of self-destruction. 

Truth is, we have to recognize we need help and normalize asking for help. We have to ask the right people for support. This gives us a fighting chance at a better life. 


My BFRB and the Beautiful Moon

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Watching one of the dating shows on Netflix, I heard someone say “My darling. Even the beautiful moon has scars.” This was in response to her sharing the trauma of her skin in a car accident, I believe. This struck me like a self-love seed planted in my psyche.

Skin Health Background

I have had skin issues for the majority of my life. I was one of the first children to catch and bring home chicken pox. My immune system was fairly weak when I was young. I must have scratched every mark. Around the age of 11, I began to show signs of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), with excessive body hair, that often led to ingrown hair, which almost always led to hyperpigmentation and scarring.

Gluten also affected my skin in the form of eczema, which manifested as seborrheic dermatitis that appeared as dandruff. Also, cystic acne. My naturopath helped me make the connection in 2015. While cutting it out of my diet helped, it wasn’t the cure for all that ailed me. 

For a long time, I’ve explored many options to heal the root cause of my skin issues. I’ve taken supplements; hired aestheticians for laser hair removal, chemical peels, microneedling, and I’m sure there’s more. Due to the fluctuation of my hormone levels with PCOS, progress in healing my skin comes and goes.

Exploring My Response

This year, in quarantine, attention was redirected away from how to fix the root cause of it and toward ways to address my response to the symptoms. I learned years ago that my two-decades long response is called dermatillomania or excoriation disorder or chronic skin-picking. 

When I discovered this, I was overwhelmed and horrified by all of these names, so I stopped calling it anything. When I was ready, I simply made the request to my closest friends to gently draw my attention to the action, if it happens in front of them or to ask me how I’m holding up, if there’s proof of picking.

No one can check my problematic behavior they can’t see and that I hide well, when we’re self-isolating for the pandemic. That said, I’ve built my self-awareness muscles quite a bit in recent years, and noticed the compulsion to self-soothe by attacking my skin grew stronger. I decided therapy wasn’t exactly the move to discuss this because I tried that for a long time and that modality rarely helped me put a dent in the behavior. 

By Another Name

I started searching for the uncomfortable sounding names I learned years before and stumbled upon a new one, Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs). It isn’t an obsessive-compulsive disorder or in the same category as self-harm, like cutting. It’s an impulse control behavior. Other examples include hair pulling and biting nails or the inside of your cheeks. 

Learning the expanded language around BFRBs has made it so much easier for me to be open to solutions and to talk about it with people in my life. And some of these people only popped on my radar this year.

BFRB Community

Along with discovering the new name, I identified support groups. In 2017, my therapist suggested it was time to “graduate” to group therapy or support groups. At the time, I wasn’t sure what groups to join or what my options were. This year it was clear. I joined three virtual BFRB support group meetups—national, San Francisco and Atlanta. The group in my city didn’t have enough engagement to sustain virtual meetups.

This group has helped me feel more connected to the world with the reminder that there’s a place for all of us. I see other women who I honestly cannot tell that they have a BRFB. I’ve been told people can’t see that about me. When I look in the mirror, it is honestly most of what I see.

Reprogramming Beauty

Seeing myself through a new lens is my work right now. The slow work of healing my skin is forcing me to practice patience and to grow my self-love while I wait. In high school, my first boyfriend called me pizza face. At home, my mom and sister referred to me as a “cheetah” because I was “so spotty.” I am aware now that wounded people project their pain onto others. 

I also have more resources now to reset thoughts about my body. One that is in development is self-acceptance. Another is a gang of girlfriends who see me through the rosiest lenses. And quick quips from reality tv are helping. To hear “even the beautiful moon has scars” changed something in me. 

I absolutely love the moon at all stages. If I can feel that for the moon, I can turn a bit of that admiration around toward myself. 

Healthcare in America: Don't Take No for an Answer

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By mid-May, roughly two months into quarantine, I had increased mental bandwidth to do more than simply survive. My mindset shifted toward ways to thrive during these unforeseen times. The priority became laying a more solid foundation for safety as the previously built infrastructure crumbled worldwide. My first step to secure a stronger base was to pursue health insurance. 

For the last year, since my last full-time employment role, I have freelanced a bit while pursuing full-time employment. In this search, I have communicated my preference for my next assignment to include health benefits. Fast forward to 2020, and it has become clear that health insurance tied to employment in Texas or America is the opposite of a stable or secure. 

Between COBRA and an attempt to apply for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act, my option last year was to pay $450-600/month. That was not a realistic option without a consistent source of income. 

Sharing is Caring

After a call with a dear friend who has been quite the cheerleader for not leaving any money on the table during the pandemic, I applied for Medicaid. I was immediately denied. I soon learned that women must be pregnant and single to be approved in Texas. Next, I was directed to apply for coverage through “the marketplace.” Again, I was immediately denied since enrollment was closed. 

Resolved to navigate the global pandemic without insurance, I put the idea out of my mind until I had a physical distanced tea date with a gym girlfriend. We talked about how we were taking care of ourselves and paying bills without consistent employment. We were both fortunate to have secured pandemic unemployment assistance. When I mentioned I was declined in all ways for health insurance, she was confused. She was approved.

When I asked about her application process, I learned she spoke with a person to get enrolled, while my entire process was completed online. I requested the contact information for her person. She shared a guy’s name, phone number and email address. Albeit a bit skeptical of the whole thing, I decided to call her guy. I left a message. He called me later that day, and in less than a 15 minute call, I was approved for free healthcare, based on my employment status. 

It’s Legit

Two weeks later, my insurance card arrived. Within days of its arrival, I scheduled my annual physical. My appointment was free. My nurse practitioner scheduled labs totaling $2152, of which I am responsible for $130. I filled a name brand prescription and paid only $9 for it. Off brand prescriptions range between $0-3. I can’t fully describe how grateful I felt in that first week of July. I was signed up for insurance with Oscar Health. My girlfriend’s insurance is with Ambetter. 

One week after experiencing free health insurance, I reached out to the guy who signed me up and requested an upgrade that moved me from a “zero premium / pay full-price until an $8,150 deductible is met” model for non-preventative and specialist visits to a copay model. I now pay $40/month and my copay for primary care physician (PCP) and specialist visits is $5. Telemedicine visits are free. I have honestly paid more for a meal with wine, while dining out BC (before COVID-19).

Marketplace Contact

So, who is this guy who signed me up? Who pays him? Why didn’t I know about this offering? The guy has been paid by the government since 2011 to qualify and sign people up for health insurance following the passing of the Affordable Care Act. One year into the current occupant’s appointment as the leader of the “free world,” he cut the program’s advertising budget by 90% and the in-person outreach program by $23 million. 

As he shared with me, he relies on word of mouth to enroll Americans for healthcare not tied to employment. He further explained, when I asked about the appropriate contacts for other states and regions including New York and California. He replied “They're all very different actually. New York and California both have their own enrollment platforms developed by their respective states so they don't use the Federal one like I use for say Florida, Georgia, Texas and most other states in the south.” 

Please know there are affordable options and regardless of the state you are in, his team can point you in the right direction. Feel free to reach out to him directly. His name is Jeffrey Mercado. He’s what’s referred to as a Navigator. He’s based out of Florida and can be reached by phone at 727-417-5534 or email at jeff@getcoveredusa.org. His facebook page is @getcoveredusa.

What’s a Navigator?

“Navigators are trained to assist consumers, small businesses, and their employees as they look for health coverage options through the Marketplace, including completing eligibility and enrollment forms. They are funded through federal grant funds, and their services are free to consumers.” If Jeffrey is unavailable, it may benefit you to search the In-Person Assistance (IPA)/Navigator directory for your state or region. Once you identify the appropriate agency for where you live, inquire about the dates and times when enrollment assistance is available.

Plan Options

Types of plans available in the healthcare marketplace vary by state. Between 2015 and 2016, many—if not all—preferred provider organizations (PPOs) in Texas were canceled, leaving exclusive provider organizations (EPOs) and health maintenance organizations (HMOs). In my personal opinion, HMOs are the worst. They require you have a PCP that you are required to see and request referrals for any specialists. HMO coverage also tends to be limited to specific service areas in the state. This can be an issue when traveling. EPOs (and PPOs) allow you to see who you want, in-network, when you want.

Act Fast

A special enrollment period is now open until August 29, 2020.