Divorce: Where to Begin to Avoid Financial Pitfalls

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Four years ago today, I embarked on a journey toward my independence without a roadmap or a clue how life would look on the other side. I partnered at the age of 18 and moved in two weeks after my 19th birthday. I would stay until it was clear I had outgrown the unspoken contract I signed up for 17 years earlier.

Divorce was not my intent. I honestly could not even say the word for at least a month after I filed. Initially, separation was my ask. I quickly learned that I would have benefitted from not saying either word—separation or divorce—aloud until I had a clear exit strategy with retained legal counsel. I learned quite a few other things in my experience of filing for a divorce that I will share here to hopefully spare smart women from making common mistakes. 

First, consider legal counsel as insurance and not an immediate scorched earth approach. Treat the partnership with your divorce attorney as you would one with a therapist. It is someone who has seen many scenarios play out over time. It is beneficial to have professional insights whether or not you believe the end of your marriage will be amicable or not. Because the truth is that you will not be clear about the character of the person you married until you attempt to leave them. 

Once my divorce was finalized, a wise older woman in my community told me: “If you want to know the person you married, divorce them and find out.”

Most importantly—if you decide to read nothing else—if you are a woman leaving a man, HIRE A WOMAN ATTORNEY. I didn’t, and here’s the deal. If you’re leaving someone you were convinced was your life partner and it turns out they are not that for you, your picker is likely off. Your male attorney may approach your relationship as though you are his partner deciding to leave him. There is a possibility that if you choose a male attorney, your experience may be similar to Charlotte’s on Sex in the City, Season 5, Episode 6. Charlotte’s attorney did nothing of note to advocate on her behalf. But thankfully Charlotte learned in the end that she married a giver who granted her the one thing she asked for—a place to live.

It doesn’t always turn out that way. Did you know that funds can legally be transferred or cleared out of accounts before retaining legal counsel? If you share passwords for financial accounts—which I highly do not recommend, beyond one shared checking account dedicated to paying shared bills—legally, money can be transferred from or cleared out of shared accounts. The act is considered mutually consented. Search the phrase “divorce clearing out accounts” for more information. 

This is important data to keep in mind in the case you receive a life insurance payout. Say for instance one of your parents dies. If your partner believes they are entitled to these funds for any reason and convinces you to transfer the funds into a shared account, it becomes community money. Your soon to be former partner can quickly purchase large ticket items like a car—or anything really—with the commingled funds, again, before you retain legal representation.

What is not considered as community money is travel points. If travel planning is your marital responsibility and you share credit cards, associated with points, that are primarily in your name, I recommend immediately removing your partner from those cards. Once this is done, you are legally allowed to exclusively retain the points. 

It would also be wise to remove yourself as an authorized user from shared credit cards. This is not as simple if you are joint account holders. In that case, closing accounts is likely best; however, this is another area that would benefit from legal counsel to remove yourself in a way that does not lead to lasting damages.

If your divorce is not amicable, untangling finances can be an extremely emotional and unsettling experience. Most of the women I know who have taken the action to leave their partners, decide to leave with zero assets—independently or in mediation—guided by the north star mantra: This is the cost of freedom. 

While on the topic of finances, I’ve consolidated some surprises I experienced and some experienced by friends who decided to pursue their own independence. 

In hindsight, I have realized that often—not always—someone may seek a partner to be one or more of four things: a nurse or a purse; a (sole) cheerleader or a breeder.

To explore if you were unknowingly chosen for your ability to be a purse, I recommend checking a few things:

  • Life insurance policies. Is the amount of your policy multiple times larger than theirs? Take for example that your policy pays your partner $200,000 upon your death and theirs is set up to pay you $50,000 if they unexpectedly die. 

  • Taxes. Have you withheld the max amount for the length of your partnership and your partner has withheld the least amount?

  • Business incorporation documents. Have you been paying annual taxes for a business you were never listed as a partner?

  • Mortgage Title. Are you listed as an owner for your primary or investment properties or have you trusted you were included on the documents only to learn assets were only listed in your partner’s name? 

It may also be beneficial to hire a forensic accountant. Where there is smoke, there is likely fire in terms of financial indiscretion. Hiring a forensic accountant may identify secret accounts your partner might have kept during your marriage. Something like this can be easily missed if your partner opted for paperless updates or if there was a secret post office box.

This may be overwhelming. Hopefully you don’t have to deal with any of it, but it is prudent to be prepared.

Showing Up for Myself

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I’m 38 today. I decided to be the most indulgent I’ve ever been, and I scheduled a photo shoot to punctuate this wild year. This was an important move in my process of showing up for myself with love, and without judgment. Last year, it hit me that I’ve always been more comfortable spending money to “fix” myself than I have in celebrating my life.

This year I am clear that I don’t need to earn the right love myself, to be celebrated or to experience joy. I don’t have to wait for someone else. I am fully capable of taking the lead in being enthusiastic about my life and showering myself in all that I want.

What I Want
On the topic of what I want, this is a question I’ve asked of each loved one in my life for as long as I can remember. I used to host a new year gathering of women titled “What I Want In [insert the year].” But after achieving my independence two years ago, so many people in my life began to turn this question toward me, and I honestly didn’t have a clear answer. I knew what I didn’t want, and that’s a start, but wasn’t up to the role of being my guiding light; and until I got clear, the list of what I didn’t want was driving my life.

Fast forward to 2020, and I think I’ve got it. I want the love I’ve learned to show myself to serve as a model for everyone else who shows up in my life. And this is happening. My incredible community of strong and brilliant women inspire me, love me, check on me frequently and they celebrate me often. The job I landed two months ago has been challenging and incredibly respectful, even empathetic. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve been able to get to know a guy for four months in the safest slow growth I’ve experienced with a man. It’s early still. So far, it’s been a welcome change. I hold the intention, that if it’s for me, let it continue with ease. If it isn’t, that it vanishes from my life as quickly as it arrived.

I Deserve
And the gifts keep coming. Yesterday, after 17 months of back and forth with the City of Austin, I secured my building permit to build a safe home in my favorite neighborhood in Austin. This is a big deal. At the start of the pandemic, I actually moved residences. My house, that I frantically invested a significant amount of money into two years ago, was quite literally falling apart around me. I replaced the north wall of the house due to mold and another aggressive leak. I attempted to repair the roof of my ceiling after noticing a leak in the bedroom. The water heater was falling through the plywood base. I replaced the foundation. And, still, it wasn’t enough.

And it was made clear, through opening up in conversation with close friends about the conditions I lived in for years, that I deserved more than that house offered. It wasn’t enough, and I deserve more.

So Much More
More arrived. It was as if the move helped to break a spell. I received free health insurance, after being denied twice, after a charmed conversation with a gym friend. I received financial aid through the year and it was retroactively applied to the previous two semesters. I returned to school last year after almost two decades away and asked myself “How will I be able to finance my education with grace and ease?” Months later, the answer arrived.

After 15 months of being out of work, not for lack of trying, I landed a role that is in so much alignment with me. Also, not once was I terrified of homelessness or honestly concerned about having enough food to eat during this time. I’ve also become quite skilled at cooking and baking this year! Each area of my life has seen improvement. Considering the state of the world, I feel so protected, held, and grateful. I feel like this is the closest I’ve lived in truth.

Hindsight 2020
Every experience I have lived has led me to this moment, so I regret nothing. I now see that each time I’ve taken a step to show up for myself—pursuing my independence, switching up my career path, opening up to new friends, trying a more compassionate way to maintain fitness—new opportunities to celebrate make themselves visible.

I am now celebrated not solely for what I can do but for who I am. I am celebrated daily for existing, and I’m finally leading the charge. I deserve to be celebrated. I deserve nice things. I deserve safety. And to not feel the pressure to earn this level of love is so liberating. I am growing in my practice of unconditional love of self, and it feels like sweet relief. And to mirror my efforts, I am clear and confident that everyone in my life right now is on my team and verbalize often and display in their actions that they want me to win. It’s hard to lose when you’re surrounded by support.

For an example, the first message for my new year just arrived from my architect: “Everything is in realignment for sure, and even more amazing with your birthday. How exciting. Enjoy the warm glow!”

My Texas Glam Squad
Photographer: Hakeem Adewumi, Dallas
Stylist: Kirsten Thompson, San Antonio
Makeup Artist: Chanel Sanchez, Austin

Big thanks to Yvahn, Anne Elizabeth and Dawna for helping me better communicate with my awesome stylist and Jerrika for helping me make sense of what the photographer was requesting. This shoot was a beautifully executed team effort. 💖

Safe Dating in a Global Pandemic

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To be completely transparent, I was a bit critical of people who were talking about dating in the beginning stages of the current COVID-19 / coronavirus pandemic quarantine. From my perspective, spending time alone was a gift and safe. I rejoiced at the fact I wasn’t in an ill-fitted relationship on house arrest until this thing calmed down. With a lifetime of living in silence in close proximity with someone in the house, the quiet that came with mandated isolation this year was more refreshing than the alternative. This year, it has felt like more of a choice.

Now that we are five months into the pandemic (should be) lockdown, I am starting to see things from the perspective of some others. After a long break, and at the encouragement of my therapist, I returned to the Bumble dating app in early June. 

Safe in Bumble

The first response from putting myself out there was a lot of interest from bored and eager, albeit lazy, guys. Without regard for their health or mine, and without the introduction of a conversation, I was invited several times to hike, meet for walks, to swim and insert anything else that requires zero investment of effort, creativity or funds.

After gracefully declining these invitations, I shifted my focus back to my self-care practices and personal projects. Once summer semester was coming to a close, I revisited Bumble. I removed the distance filter (because we should all be “safe at home” and “sheltering in place” anyway and open to traveling for love), paid for a one-week subscription to see who cleared the initial screen, and I matched with 11 guys. 

I was pleased with some updates made in the app since the last time I was on. Bumble has introduced multiple features that address safety, including in-app options to: initiate a video call or audio call and to send video or audio messages in addition to text messages. 

Before when dating online, I shared my phone number to connect in a video call before making plans to meet in person. This greatly reduces the likelihood of being catfished. I later downloaded the Burner app to create a temporary number since I learned when dating an attorney two years ago, that a lot of information can be collected from a phone number; sometimes, even your home address. You don’t want your phone number or address in the hands of the wrong person.

The new features in Bumble allow multiple ways to connect, providing insights into how comfortable someone is with communicating and their preferred formats for doing so. One of my matches applied them all and quickly rose to the top.

Incentive to Talk

Toward the end of the first week of chatting and calls, he asked if I was available to connect virtually that weekend. I accepted and proposed Netflix Party (NP), knowing very little about the app, in response to his recommendation to check out one of his favorite comedians on the platform. He was game and began to look into it. At the time and date we chose, he shared the NP link to start the virtual date.

In NP, I was surprised there was only a chat feature to the right of the screen. For some reason, I imagined seeing the show or movie and having a side screen to see the face of the other person watching. In hindsight, it ended up being better than I imagined. The primary reason I love it is it forces both parties to use our words or else there’s radio silence. You can view efforts made, plainly and in real time. And if there’s radio silence, it is made evident that it could be more fun and less required coordination to simply watch alone. 

Watching a show with someone displays the cadence of their communication, their humor and ability to stay present and engage. It has also acted as a conversation prompt to ask thoughtful questions to get to know the other person. NYTimes and We’re Not Really Strangers offers more options to learn more about your match. Netflix Party dates offers a window into the types of content they’re into or signs they pickup on. It’s an excellent display of their written interpersonal communication skills; also, their ability to spell with speed.

The one guy I have met in this way is also a fan of dating shows. He’s been divorced the same amount of time I have and also coupled-up really young. So we are both learning how to navigate the dating landscape with more tools. We watched one comedy special and all five episodes of Love on the Spectrum. All Netflix nights were prompted by him. Yesterday, I asked what his dating show intro would be. Quickly, he whipped up a very well-written and witty response. I did the same. It was mad cute. I have no idea how long this guy will last but I’m enjoying the virtual connection for now.

I stumbled upon these two adorable reviews of NP during quarantine on Reddit:

Another date idea we’ve talked about is something I’ve enjoyed with girlfriends during isolation, cooking the same meal over video chat. Joining an online fitness class is another option that’s been discussed. [09/12/20 Update: We’ve baked over video chat and joined a yoga zoom with my gym. I highly recommend doing both!]

What are some ways you’re staying safe while getting to know someone new?

The Washington Post and NYTimes have some great tips:

Identifying Pandemic Partnership Material

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The consistent theme of this pandemic is improving our standards. Improving standards we hold for our publicly-sponsored elected officials. Improving standards for how we care for ourselves and illustrate the value we hold for our lives. Improving standards for how others treat us and show up for us. 

After more than a year break from dating, I decided to hop back on Bumble on June 1st. With adjusting to my new residence, establishing my footing with two challenging college courses, navigating and supporting the Black Lives Matter uprising, and keeping myself alive as Texas numbers steadily increase for COVID-19 cases, dating absolutely was not a priority. 

One week before the summer semester ended, I decided to pay for a Bumble subscription for the week. This allowed me to view potential suitors I had not yet declined. This immediately resulted in 11 matches. Confident that the guys’ responses to my intro question would thin the herd, I wasn’t concerned about keeping up with all contacts. Three categories soon surfaced:

  1. Hot and Vapid: This was my pick in 2018—traditionally physically attractive with an inability to show up, think or use their words. This type, in my experience, is more often than not emotionally unavailable, insecure, hyper-focused on their work or whatever hustle they have going on. They prefer quick and shallow results when matching. Empathy is absent, but that is possibly due to lack of exposure to it or narcissism.  

  2. Last Pick and Bored: This guy is low hanging fruit. He is relentless. Before he asks anything of substance, he asks you out; not for a virtual date but in person...in a global pandemic, knowing nothing about you. This guy is insecure. He may send you an inappropriate photo of...himself. He has no hobbies of significance besides attempting to spread his germs to romantic interests who lack boundaries and substantive life goals. 

  3. Cute and Consistent: This one is new to me. This guy may be confident. He has no game and appears honest. So far, he meets baseline standards of using his words daily, but not manically; asking thoughtful questions consistently, without interrogation; and has range from humorous to serious conversations. He is patient and respectful of his time and others. He has a limited quarantine pod and enjoys his own company.

Needless to say, cute and consistent is in the lead, for as long as he lasts. This is a fun experience during semester break as I continue to form the full picture of “my type”. Several filters have helped me reach this point including so much trial and error, LOTS of therapy, solid advice from reputable sources/friends, and well-timed tips from the internet. 

  1. Amanda Seales’ enlightening video on how to avoid guys who aren’t serious people.

  2. The Kouncil and Awards for Good Boys on instagram to aid in identifying red flags.

  3. Profiles of 13 guys you’ll meet on a dating app on Roxane Gay’s Medium publication.

How are you determining who has pandemic partnership potential?

Dating: Learning to Read Signs

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In my adult life, I’ve only been single for 20 months; this is after an almost 17 year relationship that began when I was 18. Needless to say, I am learning a lot as a single woman navigating the world. There are now dating apps, an extreme cultural aversion to phone calls and in person interaction beyond transaction, multiple terms for abusive and generally poor communication, and I’ve aged out of social scenes familiar to me two decades ago. 

I’ve been leaning on the counsel of friends, singles and second-time married couples. I’ve shared screenshots of confusing text messages for clarification and a number of stories about my calls and dates. I’ve gained lots of insights in this time and now believe, in dating, there are no rules. There are only standards.

Tonight, Netflix recommended He’s Just Not That Into You. And the message at the end of the movie beautifully and concisely sums up the lessons I’ve learned:

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending, we don’t learn how to read the signs, how to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe...It’s You, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just...moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.”

I love this. And it rings so true. 

In the first two and a half months of being single, I went out with far more guys than I would have predicted. In each exchange, I learned a little bit more. I got more comfortable being in close quarters with a guy I didn’t know. I held the intention to keep my heart open and to open it a bit more in time. This may be viewed as a rookie mistake by some, but I have no regrets. 

A closed heart only attracts other closed hearts. A closed heart can’t see or react to true connection when it presents itself. An open heart offers more promise. And when broken, it only cracks open more when healed. A broken heart can heal. 

Due to a combination of my open heart and default of denial, I misread a lot of signs in the beginning. 

Take One:   The first guy I spent time with after reentering the free world was a long-time friend. He was dear to me, someone I confided in for over a decade. He offered lots of dating advice including the gem: “Be cautious of who you attract when you’re wounded.” This advice would be caution I did not heed before allowing him into a new chamber of my heart. 

Signs I missed included the fact he never really had positive things to say about women. As far as I recall, he rarely owned his role in relationships that ended. I would learn, in a short window of time, how aligned he was with the type of guy I attracted, including the wide age gap and insistence on his reality being far more accurate than mine (gaslighting, so much). 

Benefits of our bond included him calling me out about my discomfort with hugs and my lack of trust being that physically close to a man. This helped heighten my consciousness around my lack of experience with physical affection. His advice to be cautious about my emotional stability when attracting suitors, and his behavior in the end, inspired me to pull all the way back from dating for the last year to heal my wounds before making myself available once again. And now I’m far more aware of emotional availability and red flags with respect to women. 

Take Two:   I matched with a guy on one app. After noticing a glitch in the hour, I deleted that app and downloaded another. I matched with the guy again immediately on the other app. Twice, on two apps, in 24 hours. A sign! Right? 

After knowing him for 18 months, I clarified that he, like any other relationship I initiate or allow, was in my life to teach me something and less intended to stay around forever. We had such inconsistent interaction over this time, but there were so many undeniable synchronicities that kept bringing us back together. In the last act, chance would reunite us walking on the same street in my city. It was my opportunity to say goodbye. I knew it was the end.

I missed the signs that he was all play, had porous boundaries, and made more effort to be interesting than interested. He didn’t ask questions about me. I was exposed to spontaneity, something I wanted. He helped me, over time, loosen up around my schedule and plans. Fun without substance or consistency eventually got old as I grew up. I fell into “wife-mode” very quickly. It then became clear how codependent I’ve been throughout my life. This awareness is leading to profound healing. 

Take Three:   The person I interacted with the second longest period of time, I also met him within 24 hours of joining a new dating app. He ghosted me after about two months. This came after very consistent communication by phone, text and video chat, often at his prompt. I learned on our first date that he never felt loved by his mom. Although he was the most successful of his siblings, he was always in the pursuit of proving his worth to her to little fanfare. He pursued his profession to please her, to obtain security to afford a wife and children, and he hates his job. He always did what he was supposed to do.

After it became clear I was ghosted, an article popped up on social media about lovebombing. I went down the rabbit hole researching this term and realized this was the theme of my relationships. An insecure and emotionally unavailable person seeks to identify the insecurities of a “love” interest. Once confirmed, the insecurities are exploited to establish interest and hook the other’s heart. When the lovebomber knows the other person is hooked, they maintain effort until they get whatever it is they want—money, sex, control. And once the goal is obtained, the lovebombed is discarded or the effort simply ends until the lovebombed gets some self-worth and moves on. 

The missed signs were his response to his mom’s neglect, the message shared by his fear-based life choices, and very over the top complimentary texts early on. Learning about lovebombing through him and experiencing the shock of being ghosted have been powerful lessons. In our time together, I was inspired to experience a man who communicated so consistently and clearly and didn’t run the math on dinner while dining out. Albeit short lived, I’m still grateful to know these traits exist. Closing the door on my chapter with him helped me return to myself—a huge gift from an effective teacher. 

I am learning my discernment is stronger than it was 20 months ago. It’s stronger than it was one month ago, to be honest. Now that I’ve gained some clarity on reading signs, I plan to continue sharpening this muscle. I’m curious to observe my responses to signs moving forward. And I’m extremely grateful for all of the women I’m meeting and growing closer to over this time who have shared their own stories of misread (or ignored) signs. The more we share, the more effective we can all become at avoiding misaligned, distracting, and painful romantic experiences.

People always tell us who they are early on. It’s up to us to listen, believe them, and refrain from plugging them into a manufactured storyline they know nothing about. In the absence of a match being made, enjoy and make the most of your solo time. This is the sweet spot.

Resources—